what's up with me?
Im not even sure. One thing I know, is that Im getting haywired.
There's plentiful in this brain of mine,
but yet I do not know what makes up the pile in me.
I sort of need a strong determination,
but I've been failing times and times again.
Never had I been able to do something successfully,
over a period of time. It's always, a moment of haste.
I don't want to believe in what they always say,
this is you means this is you.
A leopard can never change it's spots.
I know that you said somehow in your book,
that you can bring about life transformation.
Yes indeed I've seen certain changes in me,
but this problematic area never seems to change.
I know the problem lies in me,
but problem is, I don't even know how to get you to help me with my problem.
What's up with me? I think it's about my being.
There's much to burst out from within,
but Im lazy, Im tired, Im not fulfiling the best of myself.
I kept trying? NO. I didn't really try, that's the fact.
I need to change how I lead my life.
Yes my mum is totally right, this lifestyle can't continue.
I got to learn to wake up early,
have a balance kind of life? Stop this unhealthy habit.

In the midst of these I am troubled.
Filled with all sorts of troubles from ministry problems.
Especially with usher ministry,
the predicament of manpower shortage.
I am at a loss of what to do and how to overcome it.
I don't want to put too much on desiree's shoulders,
but there's a need for her to be more involved.
Joella is leaving the team very soon,
and I can't confirm whether is it possible to train Suquan as a FM.
I need to check Cedric's spiritual life,
before I groom him any further.
Then thinking about Image ministry,
there's so much we want to do and attempt.
But I lack the expertise and experience.
The team is weak and small,
our dreams are big but our arms are too small to hold them.
We need more anointing, more ideas, more manpower.
What to do when we face such a situation?
I do not know.
Decor ministry? Handing over to BingQuan?
Im still worrying over the ministry.
For somehow I still am burden over it.
How about camp involvements?
So many not done, so many need to be done.
Singing for God, I don't know am I doing it right.
Am I really needed?
I am not so sure anymore.

It sounds like a big load of problems and troubles on me,
pressing me till I couldn't breathe.
Felt like so suffocated in this world of chaos,
sometimes I tot I might die just like that.
I know I need God even more at this time,
but Im just so lazy and tired to seek him.
Prayers is really a heavy time of labor,
it's never easy to come before God.
Or rather I should say it's not easy to stay focus,
in the midst of many distractions.


Im tempted to just be a lazybone,
don't do anything, just slack around.
I wanted those crazy love that one will have in a relationship,
hugging and kissing each other like nobody business.
It's terence that Im in love with,
I get jealous when he gets close with other girls,
I worry that he might fall in love with others,
but I don't want to trample his dreams to focus on God first.
I want to focus on God as well,
but yet this feeling inside of me is getting a hold of me.
Stupid me, just kill me.

frustrated. angry with myself. irritated that Im so mess up.