a prayer to you my Lord.

God my heavenly Father,

I just want to come before you now,
to seek you in this little prayer,
that ask of your blessings to pour abundantly,
for the time of my day of shepherding,
with this wonderful sheep that you have blesses me.

I am fearful and nervous right now,
about meeting this sheep,
because I am conscious about my abilities,
and me being his shepherd will he listen to me.
I need you Lord,
to really give me confidence,
to strengthen me in everything that I lack,
to groom this child of yours to a better servant.
Father please grant my wish,
to really be equipped by your holy spirit,
to shepherd your sheep, gordon.

I pray Lord, that you will give me ideas,
of what am I going to touch on later..
I need your discipline and your wisdom,
to draft out the idea within the next minutes.
God please assist me,
for I am desperate for your anointing power.

In Jesus Name I Pray,
Amen.

what am I fretting about?

I dunno Lord..
I really dunno..

Im wondering what is this unrest in me.
What is this weird feeling Im having inside me.
Its like something running in me,
something beating in me,
something awkward I feel deep within.

What exactly is it?
Tell me my Lord..
Tell me...

My insecurity.
I am insecure with myself.
Insecure with how people think about me,
how people judge me,
how people regard me with.
I am worrying about how these past followers of me,
will lose their honor towards me,
because they now have a new leader,
they have a new group,
and furthermore something that I am upset and jealous,
is that it is randall that is leading them.

I still can't put myself to accept her leadership,
to accept her status in the group.
Because it had never been properly account over,
I just can't swallow this news.
I just cant take the fact that she is leading 3 caregroups,
and Im still stuck with mine.
Overhere.

This is so stupid thoughts of mine.
Rebuke me my Lord.
I am so not generous of my heart,
to always want to take everything to myself.
Oh my my, i failed the test of giving credit and honor to you.
In fact when I think in this way,
I am thinking of having credit given to me..
On the surface I say no no, give credit to God..
But beneath Im actually trying to lead them to honor me,
to respect and take me as a leader,
I only want them to place me as their leader,
and nobody else.
How selfish am I.

It is true.
I am selfish, I want everything to myself.
My Lord! Help me to be more generous!
Help me to cast my net further!
Help me to not to keep focusing on how these people thinks of me.
It feels terrible in this way.

I can't own that joy.
I can't own that happiness,
to rejoice in serving your kingdom.
Today im confuse and upset and pressurized and stress,
because my focus is not fully on giving my service to you.
But rather, half of it went to the part about me being glorify.

Im ashamed.
Im guilty.
I accept all rebukes from you my Lord.


But anyway about Randall,
I really dunno what to do about it.
I seems to be pretty upset about her.
Im just not convinced by her.
Or rather, I will say,
I just dun want to be convinced by her.
And I dun no why she keep coming against my way.
Everything that I indicated,
she will always cross my path.

My Goodness.
God do I really hate her?
Do I really have bitterness against her?
I dun no. I really dunno.
Because on one Hand I really dun want to do this to her,
because you say so,
you say love my neighbours, my brothers, my sisters,
I will.
I really want to do this for you!!!!
But on the other hand I struggle so much to love her.
Because Im so hurt by what have happen between her and lennon.
I hate what that have happen,
I am irritated by the circumstances.

GOD..
Pls salvage me from my sins.

Mismatched and confused thoughts.

I really dun no what I want God.

I feel so ashame, so stupid,
so unbalance, so idiotic.

I feel so undeserved, so like a thrash.
I feel like Im unwanted,
I can't do things right.

I feel very insecure my Lord.
Insecure about what I have,
I feel like so lost.
I dunno what's in store for me.

Im like shit.
and I feel like no body wants to care about me.
Its like, so long what I can contribute is done,
and somebody is trained up,
I can be thrown to adults group already.
Because no more value anymore.

I feel like that, and this feeling is not good.
I know it is not biblical for me to think this way,
but such thoughts keep coming into me.

I think I am jealous of randall.
I dun want to have these thoughts,
but I just feel upset why she's given so many good things than me.
Where as me, I have to carry all the problems caused because of her.
Bad me bad me.
But yet I can't control myself not to think in this way.
I just am upset that people pay more respect to her.
Like they care more for her,
am I any worth lesser than her?

I just dun understand.
I just feel not like responding as a leader.
But just crap and throw profane remarks over at her.
I feel like just saying she's a bitch, she's just,
whatever.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I Hate MYSELF just for saying all these.
I hate myself for having these thoughts.
But i just can't control.
Im just so confused.
Confused over what I want,
what I think and what I feel.

I somehow have the feeling of just shutting myself off from everything and just avoid.
Just disappear perhaps.
In a certain way.
But I can't put the burden down.
I just can't throw it away.
Because I know very well,
it will still come back to me.
I can't run away from God.
I have to face Him ultimately.

God, rebuke me.
just rebuke me bah.
Im just so weak to have these thoughts.
So weak to easily be tempted to having negative feelings against others.
I am not a good leader.
Never one.

Perhaps.

I never fitted to be a leader.
Just give me up.
I felt like telling you, you know?

I feel so upset.
God can u understand?
Its painful?
CAN YOU?

I feel like just telling You,
kill me.
Just let me die off,
won't it be easier.

I want to serve God,
but God you do not want to choose me..

I feel like my shepherd dun trust me either.
No matter trust my heartbeat.
No body really understand me.

Tell me a word my Lord.
Tell me.