Useless.

Felt like crying.

Really.

Like Im so useless, like Im deteriorating. Im getting weaker and weaker. Losing God's favor. That probably, God loses His patience on me because Im just so ignorant and rebellious. That I may just happen to be the first that God is going to give up on. Not His fault, but mine. Cause I chose to reject Him and ignore His guidance and promptings?

I tried methods to come up with stuffs that Im connecting with God closely... I feel guilty after sharing them. Im not that sure after all. My faith in that God will do that to me, ain't there exactly. I just wanted to say all that so that I can fit in the pie? So I won't be some weirdo that is so incapable and not suited for where I am positioned at..

The expectation is so high, It's forcing ammonia down my throat. I can't breath, I can't even struggle much. I feel so tired. Sometimes I might even have thoughts that if only, I can just leave and that's it? But suicide is a sin and those that do so... Won't go to heaven after all. So I won't do that of course..

I feel so small. So disgusting. So weak. So useless. Im simply like, nothing. Who am I? I still don't get it. I am a child of God.What does that means? I know God is great. Being His child means Im in great privilege. But so? I still can't see myself as that. I just can't see it as something tangible for me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made? Why am I so fat? And short? And stupid? Why am I so critical and irritating and leads many to hate me? Why am I such an attention seeker? Why do I do things that I regret doing so many times? Why am I who I am? Why can't I be something that is born in a rich family so I don't have to worry about expenses. And that if I want to slim down, I can easily go to a slimming centre or even plastic surgery? And I can have all the education that I want so I can get a good job? A higher paying one? And probably I can be freed from this epilepsy illness that causes problems for me?

So much I can imagine myself to be in. Why can't?

This is life. And so I have to accept it as it is? I thought life is to be enjoyable? Life is to be fun and filled with joy? Life is to be embraced with love and great memories? What is my life about?

Why..

Who am I?

I don't even know what's within anymore.

Am I the joyful, cheerful, successful and all-knowing Jorris as many has perceive?
Or maybe, that's not what they think of me exactly...
Maybe in their mind, Im just someone that only knows how to talk but never to act,
someone that makes a hell lot of noise that disturb them all the time.
Someone that they can do without, someone that's really irritating and want me to back off.

Who exactly am I?

I see only a broken, disgusted, useless, petty, jealous, angry, depressed woman.
Deep in me is a small girl trying to break out of the walls Im entrapped in.

I can't see any reason why I can do things anymore. What Im doing, others can. Why me then?
I felt hurt and betrayed... Especially by my shepherd, whom recognition is very important to me. I do not dare to let her know or see my weaknesses, because I only foresee she will throw me in the dungeon and let me die.

I get angry with her, frustrated over why sometimes the way she treats me is so different from the way she treats others. Im upset and falling apart, I need a helping hand. Even when I reveal and wanted to share with her, it seems like she is going to say, take personal responsibility. YES I KNOW! BUT I CAN'T! Because Im already on the verge of falling out, any more pressure I'll just go off and leave for good.

Is that a threat to them? I really am unsure. Am I just staying out of obligation and responsibilities? Am I just retaining myself in where I am because of the position, limelight and fame I am receiving? Am I aligning myself according to what it is actually suppose to be? I really do not know.

Cause I can't see who I am anymore.

I go to church and I hold life groups. I wanted to care and love those peeps and yet I return each time with disappointments. I want to grow my ministries and so far Im receiving well over there. Cause they don't know me that well and they are unaware of my personal life? Cause I perceive that they will perceive me as the "Leader" and thereafter I'll be be recognised and worshiped? How about other responsibilities? Stage managing? Image? Event programming? I want to be involve because I truly want to serve or is it because I think that Im the best apart from Meihwa? Or is it simply because these are BIG roles and thereafter I want to be a part of them so that I'll get really good FAME?

Who am I exactly? Im afraid of myself. The way I look at how my brain operates and what kind of things are coming out from it freaks me out. Am I really so scary? It's like if in me there lives a devil, that the true self is coming out. That this weak and failing body that seemingly keep trying to be desperate for God and give, love, care, serve is going to die off. Cause it is just not me to be doing all these. The fact is, I am the devil. I am someone that is evil. I am someone that's gonna be serving pornography, get myself excited and comfortable through masturbation, get involved in multiple sex, backstab people and make others feel really horrible. Make them cry, make they frustrated and confused. I am this bad, yes I am. Im like born to be the one that's gonna caused more gossips at work, that's gonna destroy the peace and love that God intend for workplaces. Im like the one that's gonna destroy the lives of my disciples because I'll lead them to the wrong paths. Im not the leader, as you can see, because I can't lead life groups! I can't even do things right. I can't invite the spirit among the gatherings. I can't be a part of God's godly purpose and community. Im simply just the devil.

Am I just trying to convince myself? What's the truth? What's black and white? I don't know anymore. I can't bring myself up. I don't feel lifted. Worship are beginning to feel more like a time for me to sing and show-off my vocals. Lucifer was able to sing really well. Maybe Im the reborn of lucifer. Oh gosh. That makes me someone famous!

I NEED TO SEEK GOD.

THESE ARE TERRIBLE THINGS THAT SHOULD NOT BE IN MY MIND.

I NEED TO PRAY.

I CAN'T SERVE HIM WITH ALL THESE IN MY MIND.

So, falling in love is like that.
It is different this time round.
Cause those in the past, were just passing thrills.
But this one, captures my heart because of what that makes him up.
His maturity, character, charisma.
I know I should not be thinking about relationship at this stage,
but I cant stop myself from thinking about him.
The little things that he do,
it really make me... Simply cant sleep.
God, if it is okay... Let this time be a good grooming time,
for a good and Godly relationship.
I know Im not worthy... But if possible, I look forward to it.

what's up with me?
Im not even sure. One thing I know, is that Im getting haywired.
There's plentiful in this brain of mine,
but yet I do not know what makes up the pile in me.
I sort of need a strong determination,
but I've been failing times and times again.
Never had I been able to do something successfully,
over a period of time. It's always, a moment of haste.
I don't want to believe in what they always say,
this is you means this is you.
A leopard can never change it's spots.
I know that you said somehow in your book,
that you can bring about life transformation.
Yes indeed I've seen certain changes in me,
but this problematic area never seems to change.
I know the problem lies in me,
but problem is, I don't even know how to get you to help me with my problem.
What's up with me? I think it's about my being.
There's much to burst out from within,
but Im lazy, Im tired, Im not fulfiling the best of myself.
I kept trying? NO. I didn't really try, that's the fact.
I need to change how I lead my life.
Yes my mum is totally right, this lifestyle can't continue.
I got to learn to wake up early,
have a balance kind of life? Stop this unhealthy habit.

In the midst of these I am troubled.
Filled with all sorts of troubles from ministry problems.
Especially with usher ministry,
the predicament of manpower shortage.
I am at a loss of what to do and how to overcome it.
I don't want to put too much on desiree's shoulders,
but there's a need for her to be more involved.
Joella is leaving the team very soon,
and I can't confirm whether is it possible to train Suquan as a FM.
I need to check Cedric's spiritual life,
before I groom him any further.
Then thinking about Image ministry,
there's so much we want to do and attempt.
But I lack the expertise and experience.
The team is weak and small,
our dreams are big but our arms are too small to hold them.
We need more anointing, more ideas, more manpower.
What to do when we face such a situation?
I do not know.
Decor ministry? Handing over to BingQuan?
Im still worrying over the ministry.
For somehow I still am burden over it.
How about camp involvements?
So many not done, so many need to be done.
Singing for God, I don't know am I doing it right.
Am I really needed?
I am not so sure anymore.

It sounds like a big load of problems and troubles on me,
pressing me till I couldn't breathe.
Felt like so suffocated in this world of chaos,
sometimes I tot I might die just like that.
I know I need God even more at this time,
but Im just so lazy and tired to seek him.
Prayers is really a heavy time of labor,
it's never easy to come before God.
Or rather I should say it's not easy to stay focus,
in the midst of many distractions.


Im tempted to just be a lazybone,
don't do anything, just slack around.
I wanted those crazy love that one will have in a relationship,
hugging and kissing each other like nobody business.
It's terence that Im in love with,
I get jealous when he gets close with other girls,
I worry that he might fall in love with others,
but I don't want to trample his dreams to focus on God first.
I want to focus on God as well,
but yet this feeling inside of me is getting a hold of me.
Stupid me, just kill me.

frustrated. angry with myself. irritated that Im so mess up.

Dear God,

I have countless things to tell you, wonder which one should I start. First of all I think I just want to say thank you. Thanks for giving me this tangible experience of your presence and strength throughout the past weeks when many things came into my life and flooded my mind. You answered countless prayers of mine and it's really a blessing because I don't deserve them! Thank God for hearing me out. It was really a tough battle for me, but you gave me this assurance because I recognise your victory over all things in my life. No weapon forged against me will remain indeed!

I want to give thanks to you for the following areas:

1) your leadership in my thoughts
I thank you for leading me in the right direction and strengthening me in my determination to follow you when Im weak in walking on the right path you planned for me. It is your constant reminder and the gift of the holy spirit that pull me through those times when I nearly make wrong decisions. If not for you, I would have sin against many and in plenty situations with my thoughts, behaviors, actions. Praise God that you were in control of my thoughts. You were gentle, never forcing but always present to assist in my thoughts whenever I needed you.

2) your blessing in my studies
Indeed I would never have been able to do it if not for you. It is definitely not by an accident or coincidence that I can continue to take my examinations for my modules if not for your intervention. I believe that you are at work and always will be. =) Thank God for disciplining me in my revision, if not for your motivation, I would not have continue to revise and pull thru those difficult times of focusing on my notes. You motivates me with your love and your purpose for me, and indeed if not for you I would not have made it. God please, help me to continue and persevere through for my last paper! Help me to revise well and give me the wisdom to apply my revision on my exam paper. I believe that when I do my best, you will do the rest!

3) Transforming me with your word
Somehow the people you place around me, your powerful truth in your word, your spoken words in prophecies and divine exchange, have really taught me great things. You are my great teacher, my great father, my great leader. Thank God for all these because I really pray for a transformation in me! I want to be a salt and light for you in my family, my workplace, my studies, my friends, my ministry, in my personal life. I am weak but you are strong. And you will use the weak to shame the strong! I don't have what it takes to achieve big things, but I trust in your plans for me, and continue to put my faith in your purpose for me. God! continue to transform me to be the kind of person you want me to be, I am more than willing and humble to receive your changing power!


Just want to pray for some people..

1) PSPT and fellow ministry leaders
Pray for my entire caregroup to be strengthen by your power so that they will not grow weary, but grow in you day by day because of your love and strength. I really pray that Lord you will constantly remind them the reason of why we serve in the group, that is to give praise to you, to lead people thru ministry to your presence and truth. Never for our own sake, but for your sake! I pray for hanyew that he will not be overloaded by the plenty of things coming up in his ministry as well as his studies, all the projects and exams. Pray for Joycelyn that she will be able to get into a university that she wants to. I pray for Liping to be able to bond better with the group, and be able to fulfil all her dreams and thoughts for MM. Pray hard that God you will equip her with all that she needs! Pray for Meihwa as well that as she handle new roles and attempt new things, you will bless her with creativity and good management skills. I pray hard for Bingquan too that he will get use to the pace of PSPT and have sufficient time to give his best for the decor productions. Pray for myself as well to deliver better standards to your ministry, but not forgetting the core reason, that is YOU! Help all of us to stay close with you my Lord I pray! Forgive us if we drift away from you.. Fill our portion that is incomplete if there's any.

I pray for donald, Jovin, Jeremy and all musicians and singers that they will excel in their music and arts for you. Help them to use their instruments and voices to direct people to you. Pray for Peixin as well that she will find creative ideas in your presence, so that powerful and great scripts can be developed from her mind. GOD! Bless all the productions that are coming up! We need you so much! And we know they can be possible, with YOU. =)

2) Usher ministry
I just want to pray for all the faithful floor managers and team leaders. Pray for Desiree because I believe that she must be quite stress up with her attachment and responsibility in the ministry. God please strengthen her and help her with all her loads. Help her to relieve her stress in you and find peace with you. God please take away all worries and strengthen her so she will not feel weak physically or emotionally. Please bless her with joy and peace in her life, direct her always to your presence so that she can always be refill in her life by your presence. I pray for Joella as well that Lord you take away emotions and burdens from her heart, help her to stay focus on you and not on the things of this world. I pray you bless her in her workplace, regardless of problems that she face with colleagues, help her to have joy when she practise the fruit of the spirit. I pray for Cedric as well, that Lord you help him to grow in his character and his foundation in you. That Lord he will not only be talented and knowledgeable, but he will apply your principles in how he lead his life and how he respond to all people. God, take away all pride, ego, suspicion, defence. But insert love, peace, patience, kindness.

3) God, bless the image team with more talent! Bless us with more skills! Help us to focus on you! Give us your creativity and ability to deliver your church with great presentation of image!



Father. Im amazed by you and in love with you more. more. more.

father tell me what is wrong with me?
my life had always been floating around...
Sometimes very good, and sometimes very weird..
Is it that this is very abnormal?
I should not be experiencing such feelings which affect me?

Bad times may come,
but they may not necessary affect my life.
It is me that allow them to affect me.

Oh my.. This is really bad.

I guess first thing had got to do with hangouts..
Seems like somehow im experiencing more of like left out...
And I always think that they don't like me,
or that I am simply like not very welcome..
Think Im just too hungry for attention is it?

Well one thing for sure is..
I sort of have something against Jolene.
Well, I just don't like the way sometimes she carry out herself I guess..
Like a bit act demure or cute or innocent,
I just find it really fake but I can't determine is it or not.
I should accept her for who she is,
but Im just not gracious enough to do that.

Certain things she do makes me like, eee...
Sometimes I felt like what she says makes others think "twice".
and how did she get so close up with so many guys?
It makes me think twice furthermore..

And next I guess what's bothering me is my studies.
Really am tired of studies...
But if I don't study, I got to work..
And that's a bigger headache for me..


Im defending myself isn't it.. right God?
Guess you must be like shaking your head now..
I must admit it is me who is overly sensitive.
And I got to say it is me who didn't do well in my life.
It is me who didn't put in enough effort.
As for Joella as my sheep, then meihwa there,
I got to say I simply just didn't meet her up.
Cause I don't know what to do when I see her!


don't put the blame on others and surrounding.
Look within first.

let me do my project first.

there is a scream in my heart, and I sense jealously within. I know very well, somehow I haven't fully let go of the past. Oh my, this is bad, if I continue to allow it to dwell in me, I can never grow to love people unconditionally and grow to be more like Christ. I truly really want to like, get out of this issue, and really accept Randall and Lennon. Well, I know very well most of the time I am blaming Randall.. Such as, why is she like still sticking around with him since after what the both of them has done. Like so despicable, flirtatious, and etc. And I continue to let this jealousy go further into hatred, anger and even bitterness. I will describe her as somebody who fake herself, even doing the personality test in such a way that it is just not her, it's just what she wants to be. Oh great, now how am I going to get out of this. Sometimes I just want to be a friend with her, resume those times in the beginning where we used to be so close and hug each other to tears. But now I just can't seem to regain back our friendship. And I know it is me, there's something blocking in me.

God please like help me to get rid of my jealousy. it's just so so bad. And I don't want to be like that. Please.