Who am I?

I don't even know what's within anymore.

Am I the joyful, cheerful, successful and all-knowing Jorris as many has perceive?
Or maybe, that's not what they think of me exactly...
Maybe in their mind, Im just someone that only knows how to talk but never to act,
someone that makes a hell lot of noise that disturb them all the time.
Someone that they can do without, someone that's really irritating and want me to back off.

Who exactly am I?

I see only a broken, disgusted, useless, petty, jealous, angry, depressed woman.
Deep in me is a small girl trying to break out of the walls Im entrapped in.

I can't see any reason why I can do things anymore. What Im doing, others can. Why me then?
I felt hurt and betrayed... Especially by my shepherd, whom recognition is very important to me. I do not dare to let her know or see my weaknesses, because I only foresee she will throw me in the dungeon and let me die.

I get angry with her, frustrated over why sometimes the way she treats me is so different from the way she treats others. Im upset and falling apart, I need a helping hand. Even when I reveal and wanted to share with her, it seems like she is going to say, take personal responsibility. YES I KNOW! BUT I CAN'T! Because Im already on the verge of falling out, any more pressure I'll just go off and leave for good.

Is that a threat to them? I really am unsure. Am I just staying out of obligation and responsibilities? Am I just retaining myself in where I am because of the position, limelight and fame I am receiving? Am I aligning myself according to what it is actually suppose to be? I really do not know.

Cause I can't see who I am anymore.

I go to church and I hold life groups. I wanted to care and love those peeps and yet I return each time with disappointments. I want to grow my ministries and so far Im receiving well over there. Cause they don't know me that well and they are unaware of my personal life? Cause I perceive that they will perceive me as the "Leader" and thereafter I'll be be recognised and worshiped? How about other responsibilities? Stage managing? Image? Event programming? I want to be involve because I truly want to serve or is it because I think that Im the best apart from Meihwa? Or is it simply because these are BIG roles and thereafter I want to be a part of them so that I'll get really good FAME?

Who am I exactly? Im afraid of myself. The way I look at how my brain operates and what kind of things are coming out from it freaks me out. Am I really so scary? It's like if in me there lives a devil, that the true self is coming out. That this weak and failing body that seemingly keep trying to be desperate for God and give, love, care, serve is going to die off. Cause it is just not me to be doing all these. The fact is, I am the devil. I am someone that is evil. I am someone that's gonna be serving pornography, get myself excited and comfortable through masturbation, get involved in multiple sex, backstab people and make others feel really horrible. Make them cry, make they frustrated and confused. I am this bad, yes I am. Im like born to be the one that's gonna caused more gossips at work, that's gonna destroy the peace and love that God intend for workplaces. Im like the one that's gonna destroy the lives of my disciples because I'll lead them to the wrong paths. Im not the leader, as you can see, because I can't lead life groups! I can't even do things right. I can't invite the spirit among the gatherings. I can't be a part of God's godly purpose and community. Im simply just the devil.

Am I just trying to convince myself? What's the truth? What's black and white? I don't know anymore. I can't bring myself up. I don't feel lifted. Worship are beginning to feel more like a time for me to sing and show-off my vocals. Lucifer was able to sing really well. Maybe Im the reborn of lucifer. Oh gosh. That makes me someone famous!

I NEED TO SEEK GOD.

THESE ARE TERRIBLE THINGS THAT SHOULD NOT BE IN MY MIND.

I NEED TO PRAY.

I CAN'T SERVE HIM WITH ALL THESE IN MY MIND.