Felt like crying.
Really.
Like Im so useless, like Im deteriorating. Im getting weaker and weaker. Losing God's favor. That probably, God loses His patience on me because Im just so ignorant and rebellious. That I may just happen to be the first that God is going to give up on. Not His fault, but mine. Cause I chose to reject Him and ignore His guidance and promptings?
I tried methods to come up with stuffs that Im connecting with God closely... I feel guilty after sharing them. Im not that sure after all. My faith in that God will do that to me, ain't there exactly. I just wanted to say all that so that I can fit in the pie? So I won't be some weirdo that is so incapable and not suited for where I am positioned at..
The expectation is so high, It's forcing ammonia down my throat. I can't breath, I can't even struggle much. I feel so tired. Sometimes I might even have thoughts that if only, I can just leave and that's it? But suicide is a sin and those that do so... Won't go to heaven after all. So I won't do that of course..
I feel so small. So disgusting. So weak. So useless. Im simply like, nothing. Who am I? I still don't get it. I am a child of God.What does that means? I know God is great. Being His child means Im in great privilege. But so? I still can't see myself as that. I just can't see it as something tangible for me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made? Why am I so fat? And short? And stupid? Why am I so critical and irritating and leads many to hate me? Why am I such an attention seeker? Why do I do things that I regret doing so many times? Why am I who I am? Why can't I be something that is born in a rich family so I don't have to worry about expenses. And that if I want to slim down, I can easily go to a slimming centre or even plastic surgery? And I can have all the education that I want so I can get a good job? A higher paying one? And probably I can be freed from this epilepsy illness that causes problems for me?
So much I can imagine myself to be in. Why can't?
This is life. And so I have to accept it as it is? I thought life is to be enjoyable? Life is to be fun and filled with joy? Life is to be embraced with love and great memories? What is my life about?
Why..
