Phew.

A good time talking to yiheng bah.
release a bit of my leader's stress.

about John..
I just have to keep praying to you my lord..
That you will soften his heart and let him understand clearly.
What is all these caregroups, service, God thing about.
Cut deep into his heart, of your love.

Let him feel the pain of his actions, just as you felt pain in your heart whenever he sins.
Let him know, how is he treating you, despite of your love for him.

Seriously.
I just dun understand... why He do not understand.
He's been in church for so long.. Maybe not that long.
But long enough for Him to understand if he's willing.
But yet the way of His replies.. are like children.

OOOOOOOOOOO.
I need advices at this time.
Is it me that have been too strict on him,
is it me that do not really understand his conditions..
Thinking that he have already mature, but he did not really?
Or did I really make the right move..
Just that I need to have a little patience to see fruits from it.

God guide me in this.
I seriously can't do this alone definitely!
Only you can.

Seeking for help. Deliver me my God.
I cry to you,
Amen.

slaps.

I hate myself for being such a critical person.
Why am I still holding on to the past.
Why am I not giving the person any chance to change.
To give me a totally new impression.
Its that night that ruin my new image of her.
Her actions.. I simply was disgusted.

What should I do, so that I will forgive, or rather forget?
Im holding on to too much things still.
I need to put my focus not on them.
On God!

I know how to tell people to focus on Him.
Yet I can't even apply it in my life.
Shame on Me.
I need a tight slap on my face.
I need to see that big plank in my eyes, compare to the dust in the others.

I told everything already.
I felt clarifying is the best solution.
They are mature leaders.
They should know what they are doing.
If I regard them as my leaders, then I should trust their actions.
I should not doubt.

ahhhhhh.
Lord I continue to pray for a bigger heart. =)

Slacker.

Im a born slacker.
And I do not know why Im such a failure in this area.
On one hand, I may be efficient.
But on the other. Im not.
I think this is the area of my life that is hindering me to become a good follower of God.
Im not following him in every aspects of my life.
Im hiding something away.
I may be able to hide from the people around me.
But I can never hide it from God.
And till I settle it. Till I overcome it.
I will always never move out from where I am today.

Damn it.
Its tough.
Its abit killing me.
Because Im such a lazy person.
Im a slacker in my studies.
Im a slacker in applying the fruit of the spirit.
That's why I've not yet earn the respect from the people.
Im still like young.
How do I gain that credibility?
How do I win my leaders to release me?
How do I grow up?
Mature?

God help me.
Answer me.
I dun no what gotten in to me.
But one thing I surely know is, I need to get out of this.
This laziness that's strangling me in a maze.
Causing me not to be able to leave it.
When I try, I get lost in it.
Only you from above, can deal this issue for me.
And get me ready for the next phase of my life.

I know. I know.
Its my choice still.
Its my determination.
Its whether I really want it a not.
Oh God.
Seriously.. I dun no what exactly I want in my life.
Why am I not taking my life seriously.
Father do something do something.
Make me take my life seriously.
Seriously as in, for you. Not for the sake of survival in this world.

I ponder and reflect on my life today.
Its such a shame.
Its such a disgrace.
Im definitely not a success.
But like what shawn said, your unlimited patience is so great.
When I know of that patience of yours, and get reminded of it, my tears will drop.
Really. If my life was a piece of white paper, it would be black by now.
But you will always be willing to wash the ink away and give me a new piece of white paper.
Thank God. For forgiving me and giving me a new chance all the time.
It is you, that I have new life.
Whenever people affirm me and praise me.
Of course I feel good.
But I too will think. Do I deserve these praises. Do I deserve their affirmation.
They say: Im an inspiration to them.
But am I really? If they know entirely how I lead my life?
No. Im a disgrace.
Im able to lead as a leader, its all because of you. its you.
Definitely not my strength.
Its because of you.

Gosh.
I want to do something in my life now.
It feel so urgent.
The conviction is breaking out.
Its breaking free.
Its going to explode in me.
I cant withhold it within me anymore.
Im responding to you now.
God. God make me. Mould me. Train me. Test me.
Im willing to go through everything just to be a better person for you.
Just to be the person to go to the place you want me to be.
Father!
HELP!