perturbed.

seriously,
i really can't seems to discipline my own feelings.

seriously,
im so angry with lennon for placing randall to lead.
I dunno why,
i think it is my personal grudges or what.
But I just can't succumb under her leadership.
i feel like she's just someting stuck in between,
passing message and stuffs.
I dun understand why she must be there.
It worsen the speed and all that.

I know this is very very bad thinking.
But whatever ler!
I just want to splash everything out here.
Dun want to hold it back and let the anger keep burning inside me.
Oh gosh, i hate this feeling!
Seriously, I dun like it when lennon keep asking me to go find her.
I dun get it for some issues.
such as the camp, i only wanted to be involved and take part more.
Cause I really want to have more exposure.
Why he just keep limiting me inside?
Why must he do this?
For God's sake.
Why He just dun want to give me any opportunities?
HEY IM YOUR LEADER ALSO!

seriously.. im damn angry and irritated right now.
initially I still can hold it down and try to control.
now its getting out of control.
I dun wan this stupid idiot thing to hinder me in this xmas.

God please ah HELP me to get out of this!
I dun want this issue to come back again and again..
Its really very very irritatin!

Holy Holy.
get the crap out of my mind.
GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

why?

there's so much things i wanna say out but i dunno how to say them.
I wanted to feedback about the eastraelites.
things that I felt they are doing wrong.
things that I wanted to rebuke randall.
But because she is a so called UL, i dun dare to like say it right into her face.
She carries herself with a different aura and status, i dun even feel like coming near her.
is it because im jealous? Im upset that she was chosen instead of me?
Am I? Am I such a horrible person?

Lord please tell me who am I really in this situation.
Is it that perhaps I really am caught in the middle of saying things to her because of the circumstances?
I feel so limited by circumstances. Honestly Lord, I want to break out of this!
I really want to do more. Even stretching my hands to the eastraelites to be used further.
I want to serve in the camp and I dun see any reasons why Im not allow to participate!
And I felt many others in my caregroup have the potential to serve in there also..
Why they are not given the chance? Why Lord?
I wanted to clarify this clearly right in the face of LENNON God..
But I dun wan to make things worse. I want to understand his reasons,
but unless He say How will I know?

God Im very weak.. I know how to talk but im not really walking the talk!
Shame on me for having been as a leader!
How lazy am I!
How unspiritua am I!
I need to evangelise! If not I can't really bring them to evangelise!
I cant motivate fully when I know I didn't do it!
God what a rubbish am I.. Will you forgive me? will you help me?
I need to do something in my life! TO further build my credibility! To win ppl to my words!
Then can I be more effective for you.. I want to be more effective for you!
ahhhhhhhhhhh.. I need to do someting.. I have to!

GOd forgive me when sometimes I keep focusing on the glory of serving you as great leaders..
Its not the great leader STATUS ALRIGHT! I must not focus on that..
I must focus on doing your work! Serving you in a greater extend and boundary.
Ahhh.. Lord I do feel like a clown over here trying hard to serve you more..
Trying to know things here and there because my leader dun inform me..
I feel stupid but I have to do this since I can't get the answer from LENNON..
answer me my God! Am I doing what's right? I tried to ask Him!
But He never replies.. Its giving my heart quite a cold time.. And I have to make this fast!
I can't keep waiting and waiting again and again..
God will you tell me what to do?

Oh my God... rabalashiteilei.. kurabala shamala sham..
I pray to you Lord! Answer me Lord! Help me Lord! DO something here lord!
Reconcile relationships... give us transparent leadership..
PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Help me Lord to just serve you.
If there's black spot on the paper, please Lord, help me to erase it with your ink rubber.
=)

Hate.

Im afraid my lord.
you know he always been carrying a good impression in my heart.
always.

But now Im starting to get disturbed by the way he behave and react.
I dun like it.
You want to know why the group is not growing.
You cant just ask us.
You think we are not doing our job?

Yes I admit we didnt do our best.
I do not know how to explain.
We wanted to, We tried, but often end up in another way.
Does he understand that feeling?
Can he share the same thoughts as us?

I doubt so. And I wonder.
Like he say, he have never been before as a CL.
Does he knows how to motivate coreteam to sow and evax?
He's already equipped with leaders, who have the driven heart.
He drive those who are driven.
How about us?

This is bad. This attitude is bad.
I know it. I know its bad and it is moving towards bitterness.
This is even more bad.
What to do God?
I dun want to end up being bitter towards him.
But I just cant take it any longer.

The way he treat us, or treat me.
Its like interrogating a criminal.
Like I done something wrong.
Like I didnt do what Im suppose to do.
Im trying..
Here we are struggling..
He is not with us. He can do the talking. But we who are in the battlefield, who can identify with us?

Can He?
God please answer me.
Or speak to Him what Im feeling right now.

I never imagine I could be angry with him.
And now I am.
What to do?

Phew.

A good time talking to yiheng bah.
release a bit of my leader's stress.

about John..
I just have to keep praying to you my lord..
That you will soften his heart and let him understand clearly.
What is all these caregroups, service, God thing about.
Cut deep into his heart, of your love.

Let him feel the pain of his actions, just as you felt pain in your heart whenever he sins.
Let him know, how is he treating you, despite of your love for him.

Seriously.
I just dun understand... why He do not understand.
He's been in church for so long.. Maybe not that long.
But long enough for Him to understand if he's willing.
But yet the way of His replies.. are like children.

OOOOOOOOOOO.
I need advices at this time.
Is it me that have been too strict on him,
is it me that do not really understand his conditions..
Thinking that he have already mature, but he did not really?
Or did I really make the right move..
Just that I need to have a little patience to see fruits from it.

God guide me in this.
I seriously can't do this alone definitely!
Only you can.

Seeking for help. Deliver me my God.
I cry to you,
Amen.

slaps.

I hate myself for being such a critical person.
Why am I still holding on to the past.
Why am I not giving the person any chance to change.
To give me a totally new impression.
Its that night that ruin my new image of her.
Her actions.. I simply was disgusted.

What should I do, so that I will forgive, or rather forget?
Im holding on to too much things still.
I need to put my focus not on them.
On God!

I know how to tell people to focus on Him.
Yet I can't even apply it in my life.
Shame on Me.
I need a tight slap on my face.
I need to see that big plank in my eyes, compare to the dust in the others.

I told everything already.
I felt clarifying is the best solution.
They are mature leaders.
They should know what they are doing.
If I regard them as my leaders, then I should trust their actions.
I should not doubt.

ahhhhhh.
Lord I continue to pray for a bigger heart. =)

Slacker.

Im a born slacker.
And I do not know why Im such a failure in this area.
On one hand, I may be efficient.
But on the other. Im not.
I think this is the area of my life that is hindering me to become a good follower of God.
Im not following him in every aspects of my life.
Im hiding something away.
I may be able to hide from the people around me.
But I can never hide it from God.
And till I settle it. Till I overcome it.
I will always never move out from where I am today.

Damn it.
Its tough.
Its abit killing me.
Because Im such a lazy person.
Im a slacker in my studies.
Im a slacker in applying the fruit of the spirit.
That's why I've not yet earn the respect from the people.
Im still like young.
How do I gain that credibility?
How do I win my leaders to release me?
How do I grow up?
Mature?

God help me.
Answer me.
I dun no what gotten in to me.
But one thing I surely know is, I need to get out of this.
This laziness that's strangling me in a maze.
Causing me not to be able to leave it.
When I try, I get lost in it.
Only you from above, can deal this issue for me.
And get me ready for the next phase of my life.

I know. I know.
Its my choice still.
Its my determination.
Its whether I really want it a not.
Oh God.
Seriously.. I dun no what exactly I want in my life.
Why am I not taking my life seriously.
Father do something do something.
Make me take my life seriously.
Seriously as in, for you. Not for the sake of survival in this world.

I ponder and reflect on my life today.
Its such a shame.
Its such a disgrace.
Im definitely not a success.
But like what shawn said, your unlimited patience is so great.
When I know of that patience of yours, and get reminded of it, my tears will drop.
Really. If my life was a piece of white paper, it would be black by now.
But you will always be willing to wash the ink away and give me a new piece of white paper.
Thank God. For forgiving me and giving me a new chance all the time.
It is you, that I have new life.
Whenever people affirm me and praise me.
Of course I feel good.
But I too will think. Do I deserve these praises. Do I deserve their affirmation.
They say: Im an inspiration to them.
But am I really? If they know entirely how I lead my life?
No. Im a disgrace.
Im able to lead as a leader, its all because of you. its you.
Definitely not my strength.
Its because of you.

Gosh.
I want to do something in my life now.
It feel so urgent.
The conviction is breaking out.
Its breaking free.
Its going to explode in me.
I cant withhold it within me anymore.
Im responding to you now.
God. God make me. Mould me. Train me. Test me.
Im willing to go through everything just to be a better person for you.
Just to be the person to go to the place you want me to be.
Father!
HELP!

confession.

Confess my sins.
Confess my bitterness.

I am still bitter and embarrassed to face her.
Though I somehow speaks to her.
But its all for surface show.
I still cant look at her straight in the eyes, and talk to her like normal.
I may be jokin, and laughin.
And speakin.

But nothing is RIGHT AT ALL in my heart.
You know it God.
You know it all.
ANd I believe you know I never purposely let this thing continue to be in this way.
I do want it to go away.
Just that im struggling.
I do not know how to get out of this maze.
Perhaps clarifying it with lennon will do the job.
Let's just see how it goes when I meet up with him and talk it out.

Hmmm.
Days been pretty great.
I been pretty slack as well.
Confess my laziness. My procrastination.
Despite my acts, you still blesses me. I feel really blissful.
Thank you God.
Give all my praises to you.
But I know I can't just continue to take your blessings for granted.
I need to stand up, and do something.
Then will the people who are following me, do the right thing too.

I cant just tell them, Come on, we need to persevere and must not slack off!
And there I am, slacking.
I must be a good model for them.
Help me to be one.
Father discipline me.
Give me the tough rebukes, and scoldings.
Im willing to take them up.
Because I know the fruits you prepare are sweet.

And the harvest.
Im eager to reap from them.
I know it has not ended.
And I know too that it have started.
I must begin my reaping if not the harvest will be gone in no time.
I must not continue in my slackened life like now.
God show me what to do, to rely on you for the reaping of this harvest.
I want to witness conversion.
I want to witness growth.
I want to witness reconciliation.
I want to witness life transformation.
I want to witness team work.
MORE MORE MORE I ask from you.

And I ask one thing from you.
Make me the PERSON you want me to be.
Send me, and I will go.
Really, and seriously, and truefully.

I want to serve you to the ends of the earth.
I want to go far for you.

PLEASE LORD.
PLEASE.
GIVE ME THE CHANCE.

Cry.

My tears are coming out my Lord.
On one Hand, Im taking it, I seem strong.
On the other, Im weakened.. I feel so tired. I feel so burdened.
I need you to strengthen me.

I could hold on till today its all your credits.
Let me continue to praise your name for your deeds in my life.

Emotions. taking over me.
It is terrible to let it overwhelms me.
Because It will draws my thoughts to him.

Yes God. It is him. Brian. The one that I been in love with for nearly two years.
I never expect this to actually carrys on for this long you know.
But it seems to be true.
I do not know what gotten into me. Im just, captivated by Him.
He.. makes me smile. all the time.
Lookin into his eyes, I find myself, in lala land. always.
I cant forget him. I cant get him off my mind.
Am i really in love? How do I curb this?

Sighs. Am more emotions runs in whenever I thought about lennon and randall.
Their relationship are just so complicated.
Is it that I cant forgive him? For doing what he did a year ago? to randall?
And I cant forgive randall? for allowing him to do what that was sinful?
That thing that have taken place, I can never forget.
I rather I do not know.
But, too bad.. What have happen has happen. And if I've known, means I will always remember.
Now, whenever I see them together.
I feel uncomfortable.
Im afraid things will continue to worsen.

The worst thing is the unit are gossiping about this issue.
Its not good.
To gossip around. And their actions are bad.
Perhaps im more against randall.
Because, she initiated all those intimate behaviours.
Or is it me? that is bitter against her?
that's why.. I always felt, she was in the wrong.
But im angry with lennon too. for not avoiding it.
For not reminding her about what she is doing.

Or is it me? is it me that is too sensitive? is it me that am wrong?
arrrgggh.
I hate this confusing feeling.
It is making my brain swirls.
Making me cry in my pillow.
making my head hurts.
My heart aches.

God! Please help me with this matter! I can't seems to solve it.
Its been around for quite a long time..
Is it that the only way to solve it, is to forgive? and forget?
Like you?
Who forgive and forget everyone of our sins.
My God.
Help me to achieve that. I cant do this alone, by myself.
Because im just a sinner. a sinful woman.

God.... I ask of you... HELP ME.
A BIG HEART.