it's tiring, it's painful somehow. I don't know how to describe, but one thing that I can confirm, is that within me, I can't take it anymore soon. There is this self-blaming emotion arising in my heart, that I just hate myself nowadays of how I do things and the outcome of things I am in control. God you know I feel like Im just an idiot. I thought Im good somehow, now Im seeing a piece of shit and waste who thought herself is good. In actual fact, Im nothing right? I don't really reap much fruits anyway. I didn't really did alot anyway. I just love self-praising my own small little success. Right now, looking at myself just make me disgusted. Somemore, it's double confirm with people that hates me, that don't like me, that have opinions towards me. What more can I say?

I really feel like giving up. Just telling my leader and say: you know, I tried already. I know I failed. I know it's just me who is not hearing from God, and following closely with His spirit. Though continue to try and keep up the race with Him might helps, but Im too tired to continue already. Im just a failure and Im just nothing. Just forget about everything I did, and Im off. Im fucking weak. Just regard that Im another weak leader, who easily give up the calling to serve Him. This is like damn stupid of me.. Im not sure how many times am I going to do this, where I just complain and pour out all the stupid comments and thoughts and feelings, and then recover back to serve Him. But then I do have a thought in me, that maybe one day, I will never recover or come back. I'll just totally leave.

It's like, nobody, really, can hear my cries anymore.
It had always been me, trying to listen to the others, comforting their hearts.
I don't recall when have I ever cry in front of others.
Im like hanging on over here for so so long.
I think I have already became a spring, overflowing with tears.

God help me please?
Send somebody, somebody real important in my life, to comfort me.
Just allow me to cry in his or her arms.

i hate myself somehow.
like am so ridiculous and unstable?
I feel so in need of help, support and restrengthening,
because had been giving and giving for such a long time.
Im so tired.. I feel like im falling down anytime.
I give all so many advices everyday,
but now I am finding it so hard to apply them in my life.
forgive me forgive me.. I am failing your plans for me.
I really am at a lost of what to do,
am now I want to follow you,
but am just so tired that even following you,
I don't have the strength..
Please God, before I die off and loses my heart,
please restore me by having mercy on me.
And regain my heart for you,
so may I still continue to be able to serve you,
to the best that I could like before.
Cure me from my tiredness and emotions,
so that I can stay focus on your plans and your ministry.

Forgive me once again,
I am sinful.
Filled with repentance.