alot of things in me, and Im not feeling too well.

Im feeling so damn sick and its so uncomfortable to be sick.

I know very well yesterday I didn't really, faint.
I just rather, put myself in that mode, and just, allow myself to be fainted.

Im just so tired.
So many things piling on me and Im feeling so stretch.

God Im so sorry that I keep depending on myself!
To think so many times I say I want to depend on you..
But I failed, times and times again.
I failed to rely on you and draw strength from you everytime I do things.
Its always until the time where I feel depleted then I learn to seek you.

Forgive me my Lord! I am just so stupid!

And God it is just so hard on me.. because Im feeling very sick.
And yet I still got to stand firm and and pull everyone up together with me,
to stay firm in this harvest!
Im not going to fall, that's for sure.. but carrying the burdens,
of so many in the group as well, is truely tiring.
So God I ask of you Lord, to inspire and motivates them,
so they will charge along together with me,
without me havin to pull them along with me!!!

AHHHH.

Im so frustrated.
Irritated.
angry.
Cool me down please my Lord..


I pray I pray I pray.
take away my headache..
I need to do your work properly.
Help me my Lord.

I want tolove love love love lvoe.
Help me Lord.
Im just an ordinary woman who want to do extraordinary things for you.

help me help me my lord.

pretty clear.

Its pretty clear right now God,
I just hate her, that's all.
Full stop.


I think it is just me who is in the fault,
im just so jealous over her.
Im angry because the fact that she is favoured,
and Im trying to find excuses such as lennon being bias.
All because of that thing call "relationship",
which I can't accept for the mean time.
Perhaps because I am not in one now,
I just can't feel comfortable when somebody else, I KNOW somemore,
is involved in it.

Furthermore it is not just both of them coming together,
it involves so many other problems.
Some how or rather, I just keep putting the blame on them,
without realising the reason that I am so mess up,
is because of my jealousy, hatred, bitterness.

My doubt arises from my envy as well I think.
Because I am envious of her being able to lead a unit,
and even going further to dubai and leadership conference,
as well as her being always taking the spot for limelight,
I start to find other sources to make myself feel better.
Doubting her is always better than telling myself,
that its just the fact, accept it.

I make a big mistake, by comparing.
Why am I comparing in the kingdom of God?
As in, is it what I do that makes the difference?
Its not right! But why did I realise it now!
My heart is what that really matter...
But right now I am sure of is, this heart,
confirm God will not be pleased.

This heart right now is so narrow and so jealous,
always envious of somebody.
It is full of hatred regarding the person,
because I am jealous, so I hate everything about the person.
I have bitterness against her too,
because the hatred build up bit by bit in the past few years.
Im just so angry with her.
Very angry.

I really want to overcome this anger in me.
I really want to be cleanse from these feelings.
God, forgive me for all these thoughts I had in mind.
Lord I really want to get over this,
and focus on serving in your kingdom.
Will you help me out a little?

Please help me in the following requests..

1. Recognizing it is my fault, that I am jealous/envy.
2. Accepting relationships.
3. Forgiving what they had done, in the past.
4. Be relieve from hatred and bitterness.
5. Focusing on ministry and life and family.
6. Accounting to my shepherd.
7. Calm down, throw away the anger.
8. Let go of everything im clinging to, but Let God to come in.
9. Fruit of the spirit.
10. Renewal of heart.

Father please...
I just want to clarify whether are they together,
and then it will be good and all.
Thank you Father.

BLOOD.

I really feel like killin myself.
No, not to commit suicide,
I feel like slicing myself up.
Torturing myself.
I feel like, its going to feel good..

I saw myself cutting myself up,
and yet feeling good..
I was smiling, laughing,
when the pain caught my heart.
The blood just flow continuously,
and that makes me feel, even better..

It feels so crazy, so evil, so mad.
But yet it seems like that thought,
is capturing me.

I dun want to feel like this!
But yet Im just so caught inside..
I can't even worship God nowadays,
Im just so sinful.
I can't even pray in tongues,
Im not worthy to use it..
I am just like if a piece of rubbish in the house of God,
not suppose to appear in heaven.

I hate myself.
I hate everybody.
I am bitter with everything in this world,
even myself, because I am just rubbish.
Not worthy to even be talked about.
I am so so angry.
Filled with wrath in my mind and body.
I feel like murdering her.
KILL HER.

The knife become so beautiful.
I love it.
Especially when it is stained with blood.

I am so scary, I am so evil.
I am like the devil.





























Im so scared!
It actually feels good to think of these things...
My God... Im falling away...................................

Help me, my last call before I drift too far away.

alot i got to say.

You know God, I really got a lot to say to you.
but I really dunno how am I going to pour out everything to you.
So God please be alittle patient with me as Im going to tell you.

You know God, I do find myself very sinful to have such mentality in me.
I find myself really sinful and bad to actually have such thoughts.
I really hate myself for being like that, but yet I do learnt,
that I should not be condemning myself, because that is equally wrong.
Rather I want to always come before you and correct my thoughts,
because everytime I seek you, you will provide a way out for me.

So God now hear my heart, that is to be pour out to you.
I repent first that the following sharings is going to be something bad.
I repent first that it is indeed me who have sinned that's why I've done and think in this way.
But Lord I want to come clean with you and really tell you,
rather than just thinking you know everything, so there's isn't a need for me to tell you anymore.
No Lord, I know that Lord you will be patient and glad to hear me speak out.
Thus I really want to come to you Lord, you won't find me, a nuisance right?
=)

I really dunno why Im just so against her.
I wonder how many prayers I've already make about me and her already.
God I really need you to intercess and rectify the problem between me and her.
Is it something wrong with me? Or is there something wrong with her too?
I really just cannot think about this calmly.
I really want to understand what is the situation with me and her about.
Who's fault? Who should be changing? Who should be making efforts?
Somehow I think I felt and I believe both of us have something we got to change.
I know that I am somehow taking matters into my hands at certain times.
I am indeed trying to play your "role" sometimes, by judging what she should and should not.
That, I am indeed in the wrong.
And I am just so easily angered by situations, where is my fruit of the spirit?
I wonder. I have not grown much in my emotions indeed.
I maybe able to control my emotions when with the others,
but with her, I always break down and I just can't stand the sight of her.
This is really hatred and bitterness.
I just don't like her at all.
And indeed just as you say today in the sermon, it speaks so relevantly to me,
LOVE MY NEIGHBOURS AS MYSELF.
Oh God! your word really come in timely. But I really find it hard to love her.

Why? Firstly, I find her a nuisance.. Like she always come, and take all the attention.
Secondly, I find that she's very proud. Not in the obvious way,
but everytime she's around she just seems to be "advertising" her successes.
I really don't like it. Maybe it had got to do with the fact that Im jealous?
But seriously I don't good with her around at all. I mean like,
I learn things like leaders should build others up instead of themself,
why I dun really feel like she is applying this in her entire like 3 years in the church?
I always feel uncomfortable and threaten with her.
There are many other leaders, which although when they share about their successes,
I feel happy for them, and somehow I learn from them also.
But why like only her, or people similar to the way she do it, I just don't like it?
I just feel so irritated and pressurized by it. Cause its like getting people to admire her,
getting people to feel that she's like WOW, so good in it wor.
THEN?

And I dun really feel like if she have the capacity to be who she is right now.
Seriously I am still hanging on to that thought that lennon make the wrong choice.
But God forgive me! I know if this is not meant to be, you won't allow it to happen.
But just loses trust. I just can't seems to trust that she is a good leader.
I can't seems to see what she can really do anyway.

My goodness.. Just sharing all these out I feel so so sinful.
Like if Im badmouthing her. God I really dun want to say all these!
But just to her, I just have a lot to say. I dun no why she's still like standing there.
I just hate the fact that she is even asked to go to dubai.
Why am I not rejoicing when people are willing to go for mission trips?
Or even to plant church in the future?
Why am I not excited and pleased that your kingdom is going to be expanded further?
I just take it very personal, if it is other people, I will rejoice.
But because she is going to be part of it, I became unhappy about it.

This is very wrong of me you know God, and I know very well.
This is so wrong of me, because my focus is on something so narrow,
not on something that is so mighty and wide, which is of your perspective.
I should focus on building everything in benefit to your great commission,
instead of holding on to my personal grudges and feelings against the individuals.
Oh God, forgive my narrow heart! I got to repent very hard for these feelings!

But God, she really put people down..
I don't know why so many people so they are encouraged always by her,
when ever I heard people complimenting her, I feel like so "what de".
I just don't think she is worthy of all that.
I just feel like everything she do is like if a show.
I just don't like her.
Is it because she's very different from me?
Perhaps so. The way she do things I just hate it.
And all the more I hate the fact that she's trying to take control.
More likely is because, she's trying to take control over me.

Wow Wow, she has a lot of influence in SP indeed.
alot of people just crowd around her, and like her, and what ever.
I hate myself for this then.
Why people affirm and encourage her but not me?
I hate her for that. Like why is she receiving all these, while I am not?
I did so much but why? NOthing came to Me?
Haiz... I know Lord, this is a childish comment. Please bear with me.
I am just so dependent on people's comments and affirmation about me.
I am just so focusing on the recognition of people on me, instead of yours on me.

GOd will you forgive me for having such a sinful mentality in me?
Will you be patient with me to overcome this?
Will you provide for everything I need to learn to love her?
Will you help me to erase bitterness and hatred in me?
Please God... I dunno how am I going to overcome this thing in my heart.
It is just so negative.
I just don't like it.
I hate myself for hating her. seriously.




I got to lose it. I got to let go. and then let YOU.
help me Lord, stop focusing on what's that is tangible, but on you, my intangible God.
Help me Lord, to release my grip. To lose my life.

My Prayers once again.

GOD.

STOP THE RAIN.

STIR THE HEARTS.

CLEANSE MY SINS.

MAKE YOUR FRUITS.

HEAL THE SICK.

SOFTEN HEARTS.

TOUCH THE WAVERED.

MAKE IT YOURS.

Father please stop this rain to allow us to have a time of care group, offered to you, in the wonderful place of multi storey car park! Please Lord take away the rain so may we be able to enjoy ourself at the location. please my Lord, not let the place be drenched with your rain, but let your sun comes out and shine faithfully on these souls who want to come in fellowship, to praise, to worship, to sing to you, to talk about your people, your ministries, to be convicted to do something for you.

Father please heal the soul that is sick. Please heal gordon from his illnesses so may later on he be able to come and join us for caregroup. Father I dun want to focus on the part that he's taking role or what, but I just want him to be there to benefit, and to indulge in the joy of being part of the group that longs to serve you. Please God take away his pain and uncomfortable areas in his body, so that when he come for the caregroup, he will not be disturb by the pain, but rather he will be freed from the illness and enjoy the caregroup as usual.

Father please forgive my sins, forgive these sinful deeds I done. Forgive me for not faithfully tithing my everything to you, and yet to the extend I tried to argue that I did give. What have I give when I did not give my best? I know very well I can still give, but it is my laziness, and my slackened bones, as well as my unwillingness to give first that results in a way I dun have much to give. I have sakae sushi even though I did not tith. I have macdonalds and kfc even though I did not tith. Father I am sinful and wrong in this area. Forgive me for my immaturity and my stubborn heart.

Please God make the caregroup fruitful in your name.
Make the caregroup a good one in your name.

I do not expect much, but I just ask of you Lord to just make it possible for us.
Please dont pour down your rain again! But give us a blazing sun! so that the wet floor will be dry by the time it is 7pm.. So that the place will be suitable for caregroup by the time caregroup is about to start.. Please my Lord, dun make it impossible for us. No my LORD! please dun strike thunders! Please drive away the rain! We need your mercy here!

Please God.. dun strike anymore thunders.. I cannot take them anymore...
I dun want to ask, why God you're throwing all these bad things to me at one time together.
But I just want to trust in you. I believe in you.
No matter what situations I will not deny you after all.
Im serious.

I mean this.

PLEASE GOD.
DUN RAIN.
MAKE IT SHINE.
MAKE IT SHINE.
IN JESUS NAME.

I DUN DESERVE.
BUT BY UR GRACE AND MERCY, I PRAY TO YOU FOR YOUR POWER TO BE REVEALED.
PLEASE LORD TAKE THE RAIN BACK.
I NEED THE SUN!
I NEED THE SUN!