i dun no what to do.

father...

i really dun no what to do at all now..
What am I to do right now?
What can I do?

What do I really want?
I dun even know what Im thinking..
Im so confused.. Im so mess up..
I hate this feeling..

I hate myself for knowing,
but I will hate it even more if I do not know..

Why Lord.. do you let me experience all these..
Is there a hidden secret behind all these?
Something you want me to learn?
Or something you want me to do?
I do not know.. I really am not aware..
WIll you tell me? Will you guide me?
I am filled with alot of grieve and confusion..

There's alot of doubts in my mind right now..
I doubt the leadership.. I really doubt the choice of randall.
I just have the mentality that something goes wrong between the mentor and the mentee,
and thus somehow she was chosen..
I just have that type of thoughts in me..
I can't bring myself to trust her..
I cannot.
Now I cannot even trust Lennon,
the one who fall into the pit of love also.

What to do God?
To solve these problems?
Is it my fault? My problem?
I do not know already..
I dun even know what's wrong..
How am I going to solve any thing that is wrong..
Oh my God... My head is so painful..
My heart is so tangled and it is suffocating..

what is that mountain that I am to order it to move?
I do know at all..
THis is terrible..
Its killing me.. causing me unable to concentrate on my studies..
On the things I wanted to do..
why GOd.. why.
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Tell me..

my heart: all about what I felt, what should I do with my feelings, what should I go ahead with, in the midst of these confusing feelings and situations.
21-22But Jesus was matter-of-fact: "Yes—and if you embrace this kingdom life and don't doubt God, you'll not only do minor feats like I did to the fig tree, but also triumph over huge obstacles. This mountain, for instance, you'll tell, 'Go jump in the lake,' and it will jump. Absolutely everything, ranging from small to large, as you make it a part of your believing prayer, gets included as you lay hold of God."
(my heart)
The Lord make it clear, do not doubt. Do not doubt the circumstances, for the Lord is in control. He is in control of the church, of the system, of the people, of the situations, and therefore the Lord will not allow any unwholesome situations to occurs and scatter the sheeps of His flock. He have anointed Hope church, and therefore He will ensure nothing happens to which will lead to the departure of His faithful servants. Trust in the Lord, believe in the Lord, and not your feelings. Do not follow what you think, but follow what God have inspire you to think of. Trust in the heavenly father words, that this mountain shall jump into the lake if you say so. The father have given you signs and wonders, and this is his awesome power.

my mind: What I struggle with in my thoughts, things that I try to figure out, things that I try to understand from my understanding and my experience. What have the Lord got to speak about the things that I have figured out and thought of?
40 " 'But if they will confess their sins and the sins of their fathers—their treachery against me and their hostility toward me, 41 which made me hostile toward them so that I sent them into the land of their enemies—then when their uncircumcised hearts are humbled and they pay for their sin, 42 I will remember my covenant with Jacob and my covenant with Isaac and my covenant with Abraham, and I will remember the land. 43 For the land will be deserted by them and will enjoy its sabbaths while it lies desolate without them. They will pay for their sins because they rejected my laws and abhorred my decrees. 44 Yet in spite of this, when they are in the land of their enemies, I will not reject them or abhor them so as to destroy them completely, breaking my covenant with them. I am the LORD their God. 45 But for their sake I will remember the covenant with their ancestors whom I brought out of Egypt in the sight of the nations to be their God. I am the LORD.' "
(my mind)
The Lord expresses His grace and mercy, that so long these sinners repents and come before God, He will remember them and will forgive them. He states clearly, that He is the Lord, He is the father of all nations, and therefore remember that He is the one that is in control. Remember, They will pay for their sins, they will reap what they sow. But the Lord will forgive and give them their land, so long they repent and they return.

My soul thirst for God. What has the Lord got to speak about my spirituality? What have the Lord got to tell me about my spiritual walk with Him? What spiritual growth should I encounter?
11-15"I've told you these things for a purpose: that my joy might be your joy, and your joy wholly mature. This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends. You are my friends when you do the things I command you. I'm no longer calling you servants because servants don't understand what their master is thinking and planning. No, I've named you friends because I've let you in on everything I've heard from the Father.
(my soul)
Love them. Remove the hatred. And you will remove the pain. The Lord's joy will be my joy if I love them just as how I want others to love me. Do to others what you want others to do to you. That is the awesome display of love.

anger.

rage and anger often burns in me.

now a different person that hits me and results burning flames of anger to ignite.
stupid me.
I am one green woman, no. red woman.
I can't accept my failures.
I can't accept critics.
despite I often am so critical against others.

This is just so me.
I get heat up, and cool down once again.

God, stabilise my heart please.

My Prayers.

I just want to take this time GOd, to say a little prayer to you..
Perhaps it may not be little,
it may be pretty long.. But I guess, nothing is too much for you.
The more the merrier yeah?

Before I proceed on to anything..
I just want to give thanks to you.
Give thanks to you for standing by my side in those tough times that I went through recently.
I know you are there. I know you were right beside me.
Sending your guardian angel to protect me, and comfort my soul.
SO long I seek you, I will find you. If I ask of you, you will reveal to me.

It was really very painful back then... Having to cope with all those feelings alone.
But then I realise, Im not alone facing all these.
My tears and sorrows, you knew it. When I cry, you're the first one that saw it.
And only you can see my first tears. Because they are right in my heart.
How can anything be measure against the love you have for me?
How can anyone be able to understand me any better except you my Lord? My friend?
This thanks I have in my heart can never stop...
And Lord Im very afraid that ever will there be a day I'll turn my back away from you and say I hate you, and won't give thanks to you..
I pray hard nothing like that will happen, because I really want to thank you for all my days.

Father I just want to pray and offer my sins to you.
I actually surf websites that are horribly bad and disgusting recently on one particular day.
I just could not control myself.
Horrible me. I will never do it again. But I can't trust myself.
Father, i do not deny but I admit, this sin my mine. My lust, my guilt.
I ask of your forgiveness for this behaviour of mine,
that is utterly sinful. Lord, will you forgive me?

And Lord... Im a thief.
Im always a thief.
I steal things. recently I just took my father's vouchers without saying anything.
Im going to face the consequences of my actions soon.
For once vincent is back, He's going to check the vouchers,
to go for dinner as a family,
and then they will discover something missing.
and they will just know it is me.
Father Im panicking.
Why did I sin when in the first place I know all this will happen?
My goodness... Lord what should I do?
I am disgusting. Trying to get my coreteams to thank me by treating them,
but in fact i took something that doesnt belongs to me. What can I do?

Father.. this is a horrible sin.. Im a horrible human. Horrible servant of yours.
Lord willyou forgive me for this?
I dun admit just for the sake of admitting so you can forgive me..
Because Lord I really want to change..
There's no excuse such as I can't control.
It is just me who did not learn hard and have that determination.
It is my fault and my problem.
Lord will you please give me a chance?
So I can be transform in this bad attitude and habit of mine?

And not to say about this hatred in me...
It has always been building, building.
I hated randall I guess.
But yet I love her still.
Its just so complicated, Lord seems like only you understand?
Because even me, I can't seems to be able to understand why..
She often seems so loving, but I dun really sense it.
I can see comfortable lines and encouraging words,
but I just dun see any depth.
I can see that she's trying hard and appearing well,
but dunno why perhaps got to do with my harden heart I just felt she's putting a show.
What do I do Lord?
Is my instincts right?
Or am I simply biased.
Tell me God, please reveal to me. I am really irritated by this issue because it keeps pulling me down. I want to know so I can serve faithfully and with no hindrance in your kingdom.

Lord,
I offer my sins to you.
I commit my awful habits to you.
Nothing will stop me.
Nothing will hinder me.
Lord I repent to you with all my heart,
Please Lord hear this repentance!
Hear this prayer for your forgiveness!
Please God give this sinner's a chance to repent... and to serve you once again.
Lord I dun want to take your forgiveness for granted.
But Lord My heart really beats faithfully for you. I really want to serve.
Though sometimes I wonder whether is it because there's no where else for me to serve,
but I think.. it is really not about the benefits for me.
staying doesn't really benefit me anyway if I dun believe in you.
Doing things is only a blockage if I do not believe in you.
Thus Lord, please....... forgive me... So May I be able to serve you with no regrets and hindrance.

Father....
I want to pray for my relationship with thomas..
Apparently, it is getting worst.
I do not know why, but Lord, I do get irritated and angered by Him.
His behaviours are simply disgusting to me.
I do not know why.
I felt He is doing alot of things that should not be done.
Previously, I tolerated with Him.
Now, Im rebuking HIm. And I guess it is provoking him.
we end up easily in quarrels too.
Not that I raise my voice or what, but apparently,
everything seems to stir him up nowadays.
quite plenty are his victims.
Sometimes I know he have good intentions,
but sometimes I jus can't stand his behaviours.
His ego are knocking against my pride too.
Tell me God, should I swallow my pride, and nicely treat Him,
or should I rebuke Him, and tell Him what is he doing wrong?
BUt anyway..
Lord I just want to pray that you will unlock the tangles in his heart..
I pray that Lord you will give Him the answers for the confusion in him..
That Lord you will release him from his distress,
and help him to be able to put his focus on GOD, YOU.

I just want to pray for the victims..
peiyi and pooiyee.. and perhaps some more which im not aware..
myself also..
that we will stay focus on your kingdom,
and be encouraged by your love,
not to be disturbed by his discouragement and words.

And I want to pray for peiyi too..
that Lord Im not sure what's wrong with her,
but there's something wrong definitely.
She seems to be in deep thoughts and I can sense hurting spirit in her.
Father I just pray for your healing power to be upon on,
and that Lord you'll cure her from these pain.
I just want to pray that Lord you'll help her in her studies,
so she wun be so stress up with everything.
Pray that Lord you'll help her to open up herself too,
so she will not be troubled with all the tots she keep inside herself.

I just want to pray for the new leaders..
santono and baorun..
Pray that Lord you will anoint them with your spiritual authority,
pray that Lord you will equipped them with the necessary leadership skills they need.
Father they are young and new,
but with your strengthening and power they shall be great.
I just pray Lord that in this time they just started their leadership journey,
you will pour abundantly your encouragement so they will not give up easily.
That Lord you will soften the hearts of their coreteams,
so they will support these new leaders with all their heart.
I pray for submission of these CT to them,
so that they will be able to lead the CG well from glory to glory.

pray particularly for santono,
that Lord you'll relieve him from the worries...
and the thoughts.. because he is a deep thinker..
But rather help him to put his focus on you,
and yes to magnify only you!
Let him see your strength, and not his weakness.

and for baorun,
I pray that she'll learn to depend on you more for supernatural empowerment.
that Lord you will help her to control her emotions too.
help her to make use of her emotions well to understand ppl,
be sensitive to people, than being emotional.

And hereby I pray for yanhan Lord,
that you'll heal her leg fully.
I pray for her in terms of her results,
I pray that she'll be able to get into the course that she wanted to,
and be able to excel in the course.
I pray that she'll be able to serve you greatly in your kingdom too,
no matter which unit she's going to be in.

Father lord.. I just want to pray for my great burden for my new group..
I am afraid a little about the people under me..
there are new coreteams.. very new ones..
and very strong ones..
but yet can be very problematic..
Father I just pray for your empowerment to make me a credible leader,
so that I can win their respect,
and so they can work well with my leadership in this creative team.
I pray that Lord you will pour upon your inspiration and creativity sparingly upon us,
so that we can invent more and more creative and effective ways to outreach,
and expand your kingdom, to share your word and stuffs.
Father I just pray for the new believers,
that our team can effectively reach out to them and connect to their souls.
I pray Lord that we can have a discerning heart from you,
so that we can be able to understand them better.
I pray too for the fringe members,
that they will be able to connect well with the new group,
and be able to grow well in their spirituality,
and thus,
move over to adults for some successfully.

I pray for the other caregroups to be blessed in your name,
so may they excel in what ever that they do.

Father I pray for jeremy kiu,
that Lord you will cure his soul and help him to find his path.
Help him to be able to control his emotions,
help him not to continue to dwell in that insaneness.
I pray Lord you will rebuke his behaviours,
so that he will be awake to face everything.

LORD...
Hear my soul, hear my cries.
I need revival,
i need your answers to all my prayers.
LORD!!!
Hear this shout, this loud and clear cry!
that Lord my soul belongs to you,
that Lord please transform my soul.. and make me the kind of person you created me to be!

PLEAse God..
hear me.. I know you heard me.. ANd Lord please... show me..
what that's going to happen soon..
I awaits.

what the fuck.

fucking hell this is the first time im getting so heated up and so angry.

Not only am I irrtated by plenty of people,
but I am so much angry with myself right now.

I feel so what ever in me,
and I really feel like killing myself,
or killing everybody around me.

At least I won't feel so horrible.
Worst case, I dun even know what AM I FEELING.

Fuck the hell out of my life all you who NEVER ONCE appreciated me!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On one hand I keep telling myself that nONONONONO.... you guys can't be people like that!
Especially the few particular..
I keep trying to tell myself that you guys actually love m alot alot..
But never once show it..
But I CANT CONVINCE MYSELF!
I am very very very HURT.
LENNON SIM!
Can you hear this right now?
Im very HURT by you, do you understand?
I don't care whatever I dun understand you or what.
I been trying so hard, but why I never see you trying at least a little bit to know me?
Or to appreciate me?
I been your armour bearer for so long.
I seldom bring trouble to you.
everytime i try to solve it myself.
You knew all along i always have problems with shepherds.
I can't get somebody to really share my heart out.
ITS NOT THAT I DUN WAN TO SHARE OKAY!
Its either I share and they just dun get it...
Or I just dun really feel that they are the one..
Or it will be LIKE YOU! PEOPLE LIKE YOU!
WHo I want so badly to share to but yet you never never never LISTEN or spare some time!

I try to sms you..
I dun mind if you reply me like 2 or 3 days after that..
But to you, you just pretend that you never receive.
I dun care what the FUCK kind of style you trying to use to train me,
i dunno.. to be independent or what.
Your funny discipleship style.
Im not saying that you're not good or what.
I always respect you and always admire you for who you are.
BUT WHY CANT YOU JUST TRY TO MEET MY NEEDS ONCE IN A MILLION?

I feel that you are very BIAS.
SO BAD SO BAD OF me to think this way.
But I don't care.
I just felt you're so BIAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You never once bought a gift for me.. AS IN INDIVIDUAL?
Unless you purchasing mass gift then perhaps I get a chance to get something from you.
YOU KNOW
its not about the gift, its the tot that you bought something to appreciate everything that I've done for you and How I stand by you as your armour bearer.
I never get a confirmation from you such as, You DID Well.
Did I very bad?
Did I lead very badly?
YOU KNOW!
You gave me that feeling!
You gave me that feeling that no matter what I do,
I can never be able to be appreciated by YOU!!!!!!!!!!
Its really not the appreciation and the actions that you do that matters the most you know..
Its like why can't I just see it from you to me?

You always bless randall, always be there for her.
call her,
so damn worry for her,
buy watch for her,
contact her regularly,
and stuffs like that.
Why dun you do that for me?
I NEED ALL THIS ATTENTION FROM YOU ALSO.
NOT LIKE I ATTENTION SEEKER
BUT IM A HUMAN TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No matter how strong I am I still hope to see that Im loved by my leader.
I remember,
in 2005,
first Xmas harvest.. I reap 3 converts,
but you simply bought a rocher for me,
and perfume for randall and esther.
the reason is: they are CLs.
I totally was convinced and agree with it!
But till today,I ASK YOU!
what have you really bought for me or gave me or talk to me?
NOTHING!
REALLY NOTHING!
WHAT IM REFERING TO IS THE TOT that you want to just buy something individually for me.

MY BIRTHDAy?
NOT EVEN A CARD!
3 years of birthday le!!!!!!!!!!!!
but you only gave me ONE card for my birthday.
how many cards you gave me?
I TELL YOU
2 - 3 I THINK.
1 is that brithday.
the other is water baptism.
if tehre is any more, i believe i didnt remember.

WHY.........................
WHY must you drive me to a state where I have to break down in this way?
Why did you chose me to become a careleader, and your armour bearer in first place?
I dun feel like you wanted me here anway.
Im not appreciated and needed here after all,
why I still stay here?
Its not that my relationship with GOd is depleting.
Perhaps its not strong.
Because Im really very weak.
I know what ever Im going to say,
leaders and people just have some reason to say that it is because of the relationship and foundation not strong with God therefore I will become like that. everything just is because of that.

But till today of this maturity,
I question and pose this question SERIOUSLY
Have you ever tot that it is the chruch that is WRONG and the leaders that are WRONG? you guys may not be in a sitaution of wrong doctrine or not wlking right with God.
But have you ever tot your methods are wrong?
Sometimes you are just DISCORUAGING?
Sometimes you just did not bother about your armour bearer's FEELINGS?
Sometimes you just did not appreciate THEM?

Im so tired.
Not tired of serving God.
But tired of trying to explain and trying to accomodate to you LENNON.
I've been giving in again and again.
I dun no whether I've been a trouble to you again and again.
perhaps because Im a challenger and a rebellious person.
But I challenge and rebel for GOOD CAUSE AND I SAY THIS SERIOUSLY.
This time round...
I really break down le.
I can't take this from you le..
I actually have so many thoughts recently about changing church.
About moving on to adults. or changing group.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...


The reason why Im still here today is because,
I dun want to leave recklessly.
I just want to confirm that all these things is really not meant for me.
And I dun belong here.
I should move on..

Its randall's generation after right?
Its her its her..
Perhaps Im jealous..
Im upset that she is CHOSEN INSTEAD OF ME..
But I AM MOST UPSET BECAUSE
YOU TOLD ME you training me and without any notice,
or any training,
or any informing of my future,
you raise another up.
If you are in my SHOE, WHAT WOULD YOU THINK?

On top of this,
Thomas irriates me.
Stirs my anger.

LENNON.
It may not be your fault.
It could all be my fault.
Im satanic.
Im devilic.
Im evil.
I know im definitely not all that 3 above,
but I rather be so that It wun be your fault.

But if it is,
i hope you'll realise it too.
Tat your actions have really drove a person to death TODAY.