confession.

Confess my sins.
Confess my bitterness.

I am still bitter and embarrassed to face her.
Though I somehow speaks to her.
But its all for surface show.
I still cant look at her straight in the eyes, and talk to her like normal.
I may be jokin, and laughin.
And speakin.

But nothing is RIGHT AT ALL in my heart.
You know it God.
You know it all.
ANd I believe you know I never purposely let this thing continue to be in this way.
I do want it to go away.
Just that im struggling.
I do not know how to get out of this maze.
Perhaps clarifying it with lennon will do the job.
Let's just see how it goes when I meet up with him and talk it out.

Hmmm.
Days been pretty great.
I been pretty slack as well.
Confess my laziness. My procrastination.
Despite my acts, you still blesses me. I feel really blissful.
Thank you God.
Give all my praises to you.
But I know I can't just continue to take your blessings for granted.
I need to stand up, and do something.
Then will the people who are following me, do the right thing too.

I cant just tell them, Come on, we need to persevere and must not slack off!
And there I am, slacking.
I must be a good model for them.
Help me to be one.
Father discipline me.
Give me the tough rebukes, and scoldings.
Im willing to take them up.
Because I know the fruits you prepare are sweet.

And the harvest.
Im eager to reap from them.
I know it has not ended.
And I know too that it have started.
I must begin my reaping if not the harvest will be gone in no time.
I must not continue in my slackened life like now.
God show me what to do, to rely on you for the reaping of this harvest.
I want to witness conversion.
I want to witness growth.
I want to witness reconciliation.
I want to witness life transformation.
I want to witness team work.
MORE MORE MORE I ask from you.

And I ask one thing from you.
Make me the PERSON you want me to be.
Send me, and I will go.
Really, and seriously, and truefully.

I want to serve you to the ends of the earth.
I want to go far for you.

PLEASE LORD.
PLEASE.
GIVE ME THE CHANCE.

Cry.

My tears are coming out my Lord.
On one Hand, Im taking it, I seem strong.
On the other, Im weakened.. I feel so tired. I feel so burdened.
I need you to strengthen me.

I could hold on till today its all your credits.
Let me continue to praise your name for your deeds in my life.

Emotions. taking over me.
It is terrible to let it overwhelms me.
Because It will draws my thoughts to him.

Yes God. It is him. Brian. The one that I been in love with for nearly two years.
I never expect this to actually carrys on for this long you know.
But it seems to be true.
I do not know what gotten into me. Im just, captivated by Him.
He.. makes me smile. all the time.
Lookin into his eyes, I find myself, in lala land. always.
I cant forget him. I cant get him off my mind.
Am i really in love? How do I curb this?

Sighs. Am more emotions runs in whenever I thought about lennon and randall.
Their relationship are just so complicated.
Is it that I cant forgive him? For doing what he did a year ago? to randall?
And I cant forgive randall? for allowing him to do what that was sinful?
That thing that have taken place, I can never forget.
I rather I do not know.
But, too bad.. What have happen has happen. And if I've known, means I will always remember.
Now, whenever I see them together.
I feel uncomfortable.
Im afraid things will continue to worsen.

The worst thing is the unit are gossiping about this issue.
Its not good.
To gossip around. And their actions are bad.
Perhaps im more against randall.
Because, she initiated all those intimate behaviours.
Or is it me? that is bitter against her?
that's why.. I always felt, she was in the wrong.
But im angry with lennon too. for not avoiding it.
For not reminding her about what she is doing.

Or is it me? is it me that is too sensitive? is it me that am wrong?
arrrgggh.
I hate this confusing feeling.
It is making my brain swirls.
Making me cry in my pillow.
making my head hurts.
My heart aches.

God! Please help me with this matter! I can't seems to solve it.
Its been around for quite a long time..
Is it that the only way to solve it, is to forgive? and forget?
Like you?
Who forgive and forget everyone of our sins.
My God.
Help me to achieve that. I cant do this alone, by myself.
Because im just a sinner. a sinful woman.

God.... I ask of you... HELP ME.
A BIG HEART.