what the fuck.

fucking hell this is the first time im getting so heated up and so angry.

Not only am I irrtated by plenty of people,
but I am so much angry with myself right now.

I feel so what ever in me,
and I really feel like killing myself,
or killing everybody around me.

At least I won't feel so horrible.
Worst case, I dun even know what AM I FEELING.

Fuck the hell out of my life all you who NEVER ONCE appreciated me!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On one hand I keep telling myself that nONONONONO.... you guys can't be people like that!
Especially the few particular..
I keep trying to tell myself that you guys actually love m alot alot..
But never once show it..
But I CANT CONVINCE MYSELF!
I am very very very HURT.
LENNON SIM!
Can you hear this right now?
Im very HURT by you, do you understand?
I don't care whatever I dun understand you or what.
I been trying so hard, but why I never see you trying at least a little bit to know me?
Or to appreciate me?
I been your armour bearer for so long.
I seldom bring trouble to you.
everytime i try to solve it myself.
You knew all along i always have problems with shepherds.
I can't get somebody to really share my heart out.
ITS NOT THAT I DUN WAN TO SHARE OKAY!
Its either I share and they just dun get it...
Or I just dun really feel that they are the one..
Or it will be LIKE YOU! PEOPLE LIKE YOU!
WHo I want so badly to share to but yet you never never never LISTEN or spare some time!

I try to sms you..
I dun mind if you reply me like 2 or 3 days after that..
But to you, you just pretend that you never receive.
I dun care what the FUCK kind of style you trying to use to train me,
i dunno.. to be independent or what.
Your funny discipleship style.
Im not saying that you're not good or what.
I always respect you and always admire you for who you are.
BUT WHY CANT YOU JUST TRY TO MEET MY NEEDS ONCE IN A MILLION?

I feel that you are very BIAS.
SO BAD SO BAD OF me to think this way.
But I don't care.
I just felt you're so BIAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You never once bought a gift for me.. AS IN INDIVIDUAL?
Unless you purchasing mass gift then perhaps I get a chance to get something from you.
YOU KNOW
its not about the gift, its the tot that you bought something to appreciate everything that I've done for you and How I stand by you as your armour bearer.
I never get a confirmation from you such as, You DID Well.
Did I very bad?
Did I lead very badly?
YOU KNOW!
You gave me that feeling!
You gave me that feeling that no matter what I do,
I can never be able to be appreciated by YOU!!!!!!!!!!
Its really not the appreciation and the actions that you do that matters the most you know..
Its like why can't I just see it from you to me?

You always bless randall, always be there for her.
call her,
so damn worry for her,
buy watch for her,
contact her regularly,
and stuffs like that.
Why dun you do that for me?
I NEED ALL THIS ATTENTION FROM YOU ALSO.
NOT LIKE I ATTENTION SEEKER
BUT IM A HUMAN TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No matter how strong I am I still hope to see that Im loved by my leader.
I remember,
in 2005,
first Xmas harvest.. I reap 3 converts,
but you simply bought a rocher for me,
and perfume for randall and esther.
the reason is: they are CLs.
I totally was convinced and agree with it!
But till today,I ASK YOU!
what have you really bought for me or gave me or talk to me?
NOTHING!
REALLY NOTHING!
WHAT IM REFERING TO IS THE TOT that you want to just buy something individually for me.

MY BIRTHDAy?
NOT EVEN A CARD!
3 years of birthday le!!!!!!!!!!!!
but you only gave me ONE card for my birthday.
how many cards you gave me?
I TELL YOU
2 - 3 I THINK.
1 is that brithday.
the other is water baptism.
if tehre is any more, i believe i didnt remember.

WHY.........................
WHY must you drive me to a state where I have to break down in this way?
Why did you chose me to become a careleader, and your armour bearer in first place?
I dun feel like you wanted me here anway.
Im not appreciated and needed here after all,
why I still stay here?
Its not that my relationship with GOd is depleting.
Perhaps its not strong.
Because Im really very weak.
I know what ever Im going to say,
leaders and people just have some reason to say that it is because of the relationship and foundation not strong with God therefore I will become like that. everything just is because of that.

But till today of this maturity,
I question and pose this question SERIOUSLY
Have you ever tot that it is the chruch that is WRONG and the leaders that are WRONG? you guys may not be in a sitaution of wrong doctrine or not wlking right with God.
But have you ever tot your methods are wrong?
Sometimes you are just DISCORUAGING?
Sometimes you just did not bother about your armour bearer's FEELINGS?
Sometimes you just did not appreciate THEM?

Im so tired.
Not tired of serving God.
But tired of trying to explain and trying to accomodate to you LENNON.
I've been giving in again and again.
I dun no whether I've been a trouble to you again and again.
perhaps because Im a challenger and a rebellious person.
But I challenge and rebel for GOOD CAUSE AND I SAY THIS SERIOUSLY.
This time round...
I really break down le.
I can't take this from you le..
I actually have so many thoughts recently about changing church.
About moving on to adults. or changing group.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...


The reason why Im still here today is because,
I dun want to leave recklessly.
I just want to confirm that all these things is really not meant for me.
And I dun belong here.
I should move on..

Its randall's generation after right?
Its her its her..
Perhaps Im jealous..
Im upset that she is CHOSEN INSTEAD OF ME..
But I AM MOST UPSET BECAUSE
YOU TOLD ME you training me and without any notice,
or any training,
or any informing of my future,
you raise another up.
If you are in my SHOE, WHAT WOULD YOU THINK?

On top of this,
Thomas irriates me.
Stirs my anger.

LENNON.
It may not be your fault.
It could all be my fault.
Im satanic.
Im devilic.
Im evil.
I know im definitely not all that 3 above,
but I rather be so that It wun be your fault.

But if it is,
i hope you'll realise it too.
Tat your actions have really drove a person to death TODAY.