what am I fretting about?

I dunno Lord..
I really dunno..

Im wondering what is this unrest in me.
What is this weird feeling Im having inside me.
Its like something running in me,
something beating in me,
something awkward I feel deep within.

What exactly is it?
Tell me my Lord..
Tell me...

My insecurity.
I am insecure with myself.
Insecure with how people think about me,
how people judge me,
how people regard me with.
I am worrying about how these past followers of me,
will lose their honor towards me,
because they now have a new leader,
they have a new group,
and furthermore something that I am upset and jealous,
is that it is randall that is leading them.

I still can't put myself to accept her leadership,
to accept her status in the group.
Because it had never been properly account over,
I just can't swallow this news.
I just cant take the fact that she is leading 3 caregroups,
and Im still stuck with mine.
Overhere.

This is so stupid thoughts of mine.
Rebuke me my Lord.
I am so not generous of my heart,
to always want to take everything to myself.
Oh my my, i failed the test of giving credit and honor to you.
In fact when I think in this way,
I am thinking of having credit given to me..
On the surface I say no no, give credit to God..
But beneath Im actually trying to lead them to honor me,
to respect and take me as a leader,
I only want them to place me as their leader,
and nobody else.
How selfish am I.

It is true.
I am selfish, I want everything to myself.
My Lord! Help me to be more generous!
Help me to cast my net further!
Help me to not to keep focusing on how these people thinks of me.
It feels terrible in this way.

I can't own that joy.
I can't own that happiness,
to rejoice in serving your kingdom.
Today im confuse and upset and pressurized and stress,
because my focus is not fully on giving my service to you.
But rather, half of it went to the part about me being glorify.

Im ashamed.
Im guilty.
I accept all rebukes from you my Lord.


But anyway about Randall,
I really dunno what to do about it.
I seems to be pretty upset about her.
Im just not convinced by her.
Or rather, I will say,
I just dun want to be convinced by her.
And I dun no why she keep coming against my way.
Everything that I indicated,
she will always cross my path.

My Goodness.
God do I really hate her?
Do I really have bitterness against her?
I dun no. I really dunno.
Because on one Hand I really dun want to do this to her,
because you say so,
you say love my neighbours, my brothers, my sisters,
I will.
I really want to do this for you!!!!
But on the other hand I struggle so much to love her.
Because Im so hurt by what have happen between her and lennon.
I hate what that have happen,
I am irritated by the circumstances.

GOD..
Pls salvage me from my sins.