Mismatched and confused thoughts.

I really dun no what I want God.

I feel so ashame, so stupid,
so unbalance, so idiotic.

I feel so undeserved, so like a thrash.
I feel like Im unwanted,
I can't do things right.

I feel very insecure my Lord.
Insecure about what I have,
I feel like so lost.
I dunno what's in store for me.

Im like shit.
and I feel like no body wants to care about me.
Its like, so long what I can contribute is done,
and somebody is trained up,
I can be thrown to adults group already.
Because no more value anymore.

I feel like that, and this feeling is not good.
I know it is not biblical for me to think this way,
but such thoughts keep coming into me.

I think I am jealous of randall.
I dun want to have these thoughts,
but I just feel upset why she's given so many good things than me.
Where as me, I have to carry all the problems caused because of her.
Bad me bad me.
But yet I can't control myself not to think in this way.
I just am upset that people pay more respect to her.
Like they care more for her,
am I any worth lesser than her?

I just dun understand.
I just feel not like responding as a leader.
But just crap and throw profane remarks over at her.
I feel like just saying she's a bitch, she's just,
whatever.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I Hate MYSELF just for saying all these.
I hate myself for having these thoughts.
But i just can't control.
Im just so confused.
Confused over what I want,
what I think and what I feel.

I somehow have the feeling of just shutting myself off from everything and just avoid.
Just disappear perhaps.
In a certain way.
But I can't put the burden down.
I just can't throw it away.
Because I know very well,
it will still come back to me.
I can't run away from God.
I have to face Him ultimately.

God, rebuke me.
just rebuke me bah.
Im just so weak to have these thoughts.
So weak to easily be tempted to having negative feelings against others.
I am not a good leader.
Never one.

Perhaps.

I never fitted to be a leader.
Just give me up.
I felt like telling you, you know?

I feel so upset.
God can u understand?
Its painful?
CAN YOU?

I feel like just telling You,
kill me.
Just let me die off,
won't it be easier.

I want to serve God,
but God you do not want to choose me..

I feel like my shepherd dun trust me either.
No matter trust my heartbeat.
No body really understand me.

Tell me a word my Lord.
Tell me.