there is a scream in my heart, and I sense jealously within. I know very well, somehow I haven't fully let go of the past. Oh my, this is bad, if I continue to allow it to dwell in me, I can never grow to love people unconditionally and grow to be more like Christ. I truly really want to like, get out of this issue, and really accept Randall and Lennon. Well, I know very well most of the time I am blaming Randall.. Such as, why is she like still sticking around with him since after what the both of them has done. Like so despicable, flirtatious, and etc. And I continue to let this jealousy go further into hatred, anger and even bitterness. I will describe her as somebody who fake herself, even doing the personality test in such a way that it is just not her, it's just what she wants to be. Oh great, now how am I going to get out of this. Sometimes I just want to be a friend with her, resume those times in the beginning where we used to be so close and hug each other to tears. But now I just can't seem to regain back our friendship. And I know it is me, there's something blocking in me.

God please like help me to get rid of my jealousy. it's just so so bad. And I don't want to be like that. Please.

it's tiring, it's painful somehow. I don't know how to describe, but one thing that I can confirm, is that within me, I can't take it anymore soon. There is this self-blaming emotion arising in my heart, that I just hate myself nowadays of how I do things and the outcome of things I am in control. God you know I feel like Im just an idiot. I thought Im good somehow, now Im seeing a piece of shit and waste who thought herself is good. In actual fact, Im nothing right? I don't really reap much fruits anyway. I didn't really did alot anyway. I just love self-praising my own small little success. Right now, looking at myself just make me disgusted. Somemore, it's double confirm with people that hates me, that don't like me, that have opinions towards me. What more can I say?

I really feel like giving up. Just telling my leader and say: you know, I tried already. I know I failed. I know it's just me who is not hearing from God, and following closely with His spirit. Though continue to try and keep up the race with Him might helps, but Im too tired to continue already. Im just a failure and Im just nothing. Just forget about everything I did, and Im off. Im fucking weak. Just regard that Im another weak leader, who easily give up the calling to serve Him. This is like damn stupid of me.. Im not sure how many times am I going to do this, where I just complain and pour out all the stupid comments and thoughts and feelings, and then recover back to serve Him. But then I do have a thought in me, that maybe one day, I will never recover or come back. I'll just totally leave.

It's like, nobody, really, can hear my cries anymore.
It had always been me, trying to listen to the others, comforting their hearts.
I don't recall when have I ever cry in front of others.
Im like hanging on over here for so so long.
I think I have already became a spring, overflowing with tears.

God help me please?
Send somebody, somebody real important in my life, to comfort me.
Just allow me to cry in his or her arms.

i hate myself somehow.
like am so ridiculous and unstable?
I feel so in need of help, support and restrengthening,
because had been giving and giving for such a long time.
Im so tired.. I feel like im falling down anytime.
I give all so many advices everyday,
but now I am finding it so hard to apply them in my life.
forgive me forgive me.. I am failing your plans for me.
I really am at a lost of what to do,
am now I want to follow you,
but am just so tired that even following you,
I don't have the strength..
Please God, before I die off and loses my heart,
please restore me by having mercy on me.
And regain my heart for you,
so may I still continue to be able to serve you,
to the best that I could like before.
Cure me from my tiredness and emotions,
so that I can stay focus on your plans and your ministry.

Forgive me once again,
I am sinful.
Filled with repentance.

I sort of is in the jealous mode,
and the mode of wanting to fall in love.
I want to get a guy and lay next to him,
as in just having the comfort of a partner,
enjoying the thrills of love and emotions.

God curb my heart because this is not right,
for I should not be focusing on these,
at a time like this.

Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain.

Only if you help me to reap, only if you help me to retain,
I will sow nothing from the harvest.
Im desperate for your help,
Lord have you heard me?

Blessed are all who fear the LORD, who walk in his ways.

Im fearful, but Lord let not me be fearful of the things that are happening.
Let not me be affected and upset with situations.
Let me be in fear of You so that I know that it is You Lord,
that shall make things happen and possible.

Thus is the man blessed who fears the LORD.

My fears lies in You, because You are Almighty.

Im feeling like so alone and unappreciated right now,
or perhaps rather for the past few weeks. Why is it so?
Is it that God you're using the people to remind me about myself,
or are these illusions the devil is trying to draw me away from You?
I dunno, and I am very confused.
I really need your presence and spirit to help me to be clear,
and be able to see clearly what's exactly up in my mind.

Im so upset and discouraged by my people,
especially those that do not understand my intentions.
I gave really alot to build and support them,
but somehow or rather,
it didn't work out in the way I expect them to be.
Well I believe it just shows that only Your way,
can reap the best results and blessings in our lives.

Im so burdened and I think the devil is tappin on my discouraged heart.
I am very worried over whether will I be able to take up this challenge,
and somehow it seems like something is invading my heart,
to further discouraged me and tell me that I can't make it.
Oh God, help me to focus on You and not on myself.
I am so weak and poor but You are rich and my provider.
I can't do this without You but with You I will be in abundance.
Please be with me and rid off this discouraged and pessimistic nature.
I have to learn Your positivity and flaming soul.

God Im so scare of the new structure because Im afraid,
that the guys will not accept me as their leader.
I sense that it is going to be a hard time to build my credibility,
among all these guys whom are potential and knowledgeable.
I am placed with great responsibility for it is a crucial role,
to build and expand the guys within the unit.
And it is further emphasize on male leadership,
where I am placed with an important role to raise more male leaders.
I am afraid that I can't do this,
God help me and save me from this situation.
I know that if it is me alone I will fail,
but with You and Your Holy Spirit, I will reap success.

I am very discouraged by Joella.
By her attitude and her perspectives,
especially her ways of responding to people like me and randall perhaps.
Her replies are filled with anger, judgement, hurting words,
that often discourage people like me.
Despite I speak up often for her about her nature,
she do not understand how much have I done for her,
and continues to mistreat my intentions, and devalue me.
I am very hurt after such intense experiences we went through together.
Father I want to pray for her that Lord You will stir and strike her heart,
NOW, I mean NOW, so may Lord she will understands.
I just want to give my best to help her to do well as a missionary.
And help me too my Lord to have a heart of love,
because I want to continue to love her despite discouraged by her.
I want to love unconditionally and not love her only when she treats me well.
I just want to give my best, help me God.
Im not a perfect person, but I want to be more like Christ.

Im worried about Fairli, worried about her growth.
I do not know how is she doing,
but definitely I sense in my heart she is drifting away from the community.
I trust that she have a relationship with You,
but then again, the drifted relationship with people will cause harm.
Father I pray for her that You will impress in her heart that,
revision and her nonchurch friends are important,
but the priority should lies in You and her R/S,
as well as the relationship with the church members,
learning and growing together to be more Christ-like.
God please use Joella to impact her life and help her to grow,
and Father I repent that I have not given my best to follow up on her.
Father please forgive me for my negligence,
and stretch Your hands upon this girl of Yours, to connect well with us.

And Father I really want to go for the HK LC,
but I am hesitating and worried because of my finance restrictions.
I do not know how in a way am I going to be able to go for it,
but Father please make a way out for me!
I want to have the faith of that father in the bible,
whom speaks to You that You can heal His son,
even without reaching His house to pray for him.
I want to have that total faith in You that believe You can make it,
come to a pass regardless of all these impossibilities!
Though I really do not know how in the world,
are the money going to come in and allow me to go for the LC,
but I have faith and I want to trust in You.
Help me my Lord to go because I desire to be touched by You.
I want to be touched by You.
Please God, bless me in my finance!

And I want to pray for my R/S with my sheeps,
Lord help me to grow in my R/S with my sheeps.
I want to build a stronger relationship with Jeremy and Gordon,
but I am insecure regarding it.
Because I am insecure with my strength and abilities,
that I am fearful once again to be able to groom these 2 potential leaders.
Whenever I see them with people like Randall,
my insecurity acts up and it overcomes me with emotions.
God help me to be secure with these sheeps you've blessed me,
and help me to build a strong R/s with the both of them,
so may I continue to help them to grow stronger each new day.
Help me to help them to learn and be convicted for Your kingdom.

And Im often lazy and so layback.
I am so guilty and upset about this characteristic of mine,
it is so not honoring of Your name and worthy as Your leader.
It is disgracing Your love for me and putting You down!
Forgive me Lord.. And I do not want to ask for Your forgiveness,
again and again without making any actions!
This is so sinful and it is not repentance..
I am just so weak-willed, that I can't even change this,
little habit that I have in my life.
God I just ask of You to have patience in me,
and help me Lord to change this stupid habit of mine..
I want to grow out of this and really excel,
in ever area of my life for Your name to be glorified.
Help me Lord with my studies,
I don't want to fail You again and again,
I want to do well in them.. Because of worldly reasons,
I will fail.. But because of You, I will sustain and reap!

So many things I want to pray..
But I am now encouraged and filled by Your spirit,
after spending the time together with You.
Thank You my Lord for everything You've just done,
in my heart that gets rid of the insecurity and pessimism.
You know that I intended to complain about people,
that are discouraging me and making me feel they don't like me,
but somehow You stirred the spirit in me to pray for people,
and now I am filled with a joy and peace that I can't describe.
But thank You Lord for You know me the best.

I am convicted to go all out for You,
though what that I can give is just so small,
compare to what You have given to me,
and can give to me for the rest of my life.
But Lord, I still want to give my all,
because of Your love, and because I love You as well.

Bless me my Lord!

I am quite at peace,
but yet I knew there's something there.
Right deep buried in my heart.
I want to unveil the secrets within,
but yet am afraid that I'll be overwhelm by it.
I know Jesus had bless me greatly with peace,
but somehow I am still not facing the pain.

And somehow I believe God has a timing,
for these problems to be solve and for me to move on.
And I sense and felt that the time has come,
for me to come into conclusion for all these.
Stop being affected and upset by these situations,
and move on to a new phase of life for God,
to serve Him with all my heart without hinderance.

I need to get things clear and stable in my mind,
and I have to piece out the problems in my life.

1) Conflict with Randall
- what do I disagree with her
- my thoughts towards her actions and character

2) Randall and Lennon R/S issue
- clarifying all the facts and accounting them
- not allowing it to continue affecting the unit
- moving out of the past and forgiving them

3) Leadership responsibility
- growing in leadership and skills
- learning servant leadership
- cultivating strong credibility

4) Loving my people
- accepting how they think of me
- no matter whether they love me a not, I will still love them
- giving them my all, my everything

5) personal life and habits
- need to do well in my studies
- laziness and lies; need to change and improve

6) Hardworkingness
- need to give even more for my sheeps
- work harder to explore their lives
- sacrifice my time and ensure accurate planning

7) Emotionalism
- prevent oneself from gettin emotional over feelings
- not to allow one to fall into negativism

8) group burst
- grooming the guys' group to grow strong
- strengthening the conviction within the guys

9) training Joella for Mission
- ability to build and shepherd people
- willingness and positivity
- correct attitude and open heart

10) Ministry
- singers or image?
- pioneering image, training new people
- youthDNA participation?