CRY!

before I sleep I just want to cry out to you my Lord..

This bitterness, can I call it that way? is getting its toil on me..
I feel really restricted and hurt by it..

Ultimately, I really want to be a loving follower that glorify your name,
but somehow I am too disgusted by the way I am behaving.

SO childish and useless and stupid.
My God! Forgive my sins! Forgive my redundant behaviours!
I am so negative and jealous..
Why am I behaving like that?

Is it because I want to possess, I want authority and power?
I hate myself for being that way.. And I really can't forgive myself..
Those things that I've done, make me a hypocrite..
I am very ashamed of my sins and deeds..

And further more I am upset about how these people are regarding me..
I am once her leader, but why is she behaving like that?

I feel so hurt.. so disregarded...
I feel like if everyone held her in esteem, but why not me?
I feel so upset by it.. So painful in this situation..
Lord can you save me from this pit that is killing me?

God I am repentful.. I want to ask for your forgiveness..
for these sinful thoughts I have allow to dwell in my mind so long,
and also my failure to erase them from me after asking and pleading for cleansing for so long..
I deserve to suffer in this situation, but Lord please make a way out for me..

Forgive your sinful servant, for I have repent..
I come before you with a humble and a heart that is ashamed..
I know I do not deserve your kindness and love and forgiveness,
but please free your servant with a second chance to serve faithfully in your kingdom.

Lord HELP ME!
Help me to exhibit the fruits of the spirit in me..
Help me to LOVE her and LOVE all the others who may not obey me..
Help me Lord not to focus on myself, but to focus on the glory of yours to be revealed.
It is when I focus on myself,
then that I realise there are few to applause.
The only one who deserves the claps is only YOU!

How could I desire for affirmation and praise?
if they come in my way it is your blessings that have been poured..
Who am I, to deserve praises?
I am just a sinful servant, one who is filled with jealousy and bitterness..
Because of my sins, I am filled with gratitude to be given a chance to lead for you..

This should be a praising glory that I can ever imagine!
Father father.. tame my tongues, tame me.
Give me self control.

Help me to have mercy. mercy on people.

Let me not focus on how others think of me,
but do my best to serve your kingdom, your people.

Regarding baorun, I pray that she will learn to respect me..
I do not know why she have become like tt,
but God please do your work in her..
I am in no position to correct or to criticize her,
but I only pray that Lord you will do something in her.

Its not that I deserve the respect from her,
but I believe mutual respect is important..
I am ultimately her senior, therefore Lord please humble her heart to accept my advices..
I may not be her shepherd anymore,
but God do not do this to Me...

And father.

I pray for Santono too.
Pray that he will grow well as a leader for God.
I believe His heart desire to serve,
but Lord help him to serve consistently.

I pray for my relationship with Raymond to be well too,
may we both be able to support each other well.
I pray that I will be able to understand this brother better,
so that I can help him to adapt well to the unit..

I pray for the 3 transfers, that they will adapt well the the new unit..
It is not easy to adapt to a new environment,
but God you will convince them that it is still the the same God they are serving,
it is still the same people that you love.
I pray they will blossom as coreteams in the unit.

And God I pray for me and randall.
You know my problems.
You know my sins.
Help to soften my heart my Lord,
create in me a new heart, a new spirit,
so may there be no hard feelings between us,
but rather Lord you will restore the relationship between us.
So may we not be pretentious sisters on the surface,
but rather we are strong from the inside.

I pray for my coreteams they will hold strong,
they will be able to work well.
I pray you will give them a heart that will persevere, that will not fall..
Help them my Lord, when they are tired and weary,
remind them to thirst for your spirit,
for it shall be the food that gives us spiritual strength.

I pray for the entire unit,
to be revive in your name!
We will rock a hell lot of it, because YOU are with us!!!!!

PLEASE MY LORD,
HELP US!

I CRY!