my brain is going to explode soon , my lord.

Aiyaya..

Okay, let me tell u my God, what is happening now.
You should know, but I got to say it again,
to help myself be clearer,
and also to really tell u by myself,
rather than u just knowing it because u were watching me.

Currently, I am pretty doubtful about lennon and I am not very sure.
Seriously I do not know what's going on.
And I am very doubtful still about the relationship between lennon and randall.
I know randall still can't let go of the relationship.
And then I somehow feel that lennon is very affected by the situation.
He totally change into a different person..
Someone like very worldly.
Though he knows the way to be holy and spiritual and stuffs,
somemore he is fasting and praying, absolute fast somemore,
I just dun feel that He is sincere or that he is as what he is last time.

I am irritated by this because Im not sure is it my feelings,
or is it God given emotions, what you call, discernment.
I dun want to make the wrong judgement,
thus I am very doubtful.
Asking me to trust this man still,
I find it very hard already.
Because he had already break my heart and break my spirit.
God ah, tell me what to do!
I can't trust him anymore..
Because Im doubtful of his heart in the ministry.
I dunno what's going on.

God im mature enough to hear the truth.
I need the truth.
Will jasmine poon or anyone who know the truth tells me?
So at least my heart will be assured.
God please, send someone to speak the truth to me.
phew~ Its suffocating me my Lord!!!!

Then for this girl randall..
I know and admit its my fault,
for my ego and pride against her.
Hmmm, I cannot accept her as a leader.
I cannot.
I just simply accept the fact that she is going to be leading or what.
I know it is my excuse that I put lennon into that picture.
Yes indeed it is very true I doubt lennon choice and decisions now,
but then me and her is another different thing.

I seriously dun like the way she do things.
Like if she is above others.
I just hate that feeling she give to others.
I know it is me who is sensitive perhaps to this,
but seriously I am telling you God this is how I feel..
I am sinful about this, and I really want to repent.
But I know my heart is like up and down.
I feel even more guilty that I come to you when I am not sincerely repentful.
HAIZ.

GOD AH!
HELP ME.

On another hand, I am starting to be really harsh now adays already.
I am fearful that being too harsh will drive a person out of church.
But I felt certain things that need to be rebuke abt I have to do it.
If not who do it?
Just let me be the bad guy.

AH yah, this is another reason why I dun like randall also.
She is like the angel and the good person all along,
then I have to be the bad person always.
HAIZ. Rebuke me for this stupid tot I have in me,
but God.... Please hear my heartbeat,
it beat for you.

I am very sinful very bad indeed..
But God I really long for you and I know im in the wrong.
I am willing to change and willing to be change by you.
God I just need you to point me out,
and help me help me, be patient with me,
so I can be change!!!

WOOOOSH.
DEVIL GO AWAY!
so I can focus on God and do all things thru Christ!
Father I trust justice will prevail.
As it is for Job case,
it will be for my case.
So I wait. I am waiting okay.
If it is my sinful mouth and my tots,
teach me rebuke me change me.
If it is the situations that I have to endure,
show the wicked the consequences they have to bear soon.

grrrrrr.
I pray for santono anyway.
Rebuke his stupid tots.