pretty clear.

Its pretty clear right now God,
I just hate her, that's all.
Full stop.


I think it is just me who is in the fault,
im just so jealous over her.
Im angry because the fact that she is favoured,
and Im trying to find excuses such as lennon being bias.
All because of that thing call "relationship",
which I can't accept for the mean time.
Perhaps because I am not in one now,
I just can't feel comfortable when somebody else, I KNOW somemore,
is involved in it.

Furthermore it is not just both of them coming together,
it involves so many other problems.
Some how or rather, I just keep putting the blame on them,
without realising the reason that I am so mess up,
is because of my jealousy, hatred, bitterness.

My doubt arises from my envy as well I think.
Because I am envious of her being able to lead a unit,
and even going further to dubai and leadership conference,
as well as her being always taking the spot for limelight,
I start to find other sources to make myself feel better.
Doubting her is always better than telling myself,
that its just the fact, accept it.

I make a big mistake, by comparing.
Why am I comparing in the kingdom of God?
As in, is it what I do that makes the difference?
Its not right! But why did I realise it now!
My heart is what that really matter...
But right now I am sure of is, this heart,
confirm God will not be pleased.

This heart right now is so narrow and so jealous,
always envious of somebody.
It is full of hatred regarding the person,
because I am jealous, so I hate everything about the person.
I have bitterness against her too,
because the hatred build up bit by bit in the past few years.
Im just so angry with her.
Very angry.

I really want to overcome this anger in me.
I really want to be cleanse from these feelings.
God, forgive me for all these thoughts I had in mind.
Lord I really want to get over this,
and focus on serving in your kingdom.
Will you help me out a little?

Please help me in the following requests..

1. Recognizing it is my fault, that I am jealous/envy.
2. Accepting relationships.
3. Forgiving what they had done, in the past.
4. Be relieve from hatred and bitterness.
5. Focusing on ministry and life and family.
6. Accounting to my shepherd.
7. Calm down, throw away the anger.
8. Let go of everything im clinging to, but Let God to come in.
9. Fruit of the spirit.
10. Renewal of heart.

Father please...
I just want to clarify whether are they together,
and then it will be good and all.
Thank you Father.