alot i got to say.

You know God, I really got a lot to say to you.
but I really dunno how am I going to pour out everything to you.
So God please be alittle patient with me as Im going to tell you.

You know God, I do find myself very sinful to have such mentality in me.
I find myself really sinful and bad to actually have such thoughts.
I really hate myself for being like that, but yet I do learnt,
that I should not be condemning myself, because that is equally wrong.
Rather I want to always come before you and correct my thoughts,
because everytime I seek you, you will provide a way out for me.

So God now hear my heart, that is to be pour out to you.
I repent first that the following sharings is going to be something bad.
I repent first that it is indeed me who have sinned that's why I've done and think in this way.
But Lord I want to come clean with you and really tell you,
rather than just thinking you know everything, so there's isn't a need for me to tell you anymore.
No Lord, I know that Lord you will be patient and glad to hear me speak out.
Thus I really want to come to you Lord, you won't find me, a nuisance right?
=)

I really dunno why Im just so against her.
I wonder how many prayers I've already make about me and her already.
God I really need you to intercess and rectify the problem between me and her.
Is it something wrong with me? Or is there something wrong with her too?
I really just cannot think about this calmly.
I really want to understand what is the situation with me and her about.
Who's fault? Who should be changing? Who should be making efforts?
Somehow I think I felt and I believe both of us have something we got to change.
I know that I am somehow taking matters into my hands at certain times.
I am indeed trying to play your "role" sometimes, by judging what she should and should not.
That, I am indeed in the wrong.
And I am just so easily angered by situations, where is my fruit of the spirit?
I wonder. I have not grown much in my emotions indeed.
I maybe able to control my emotions when with the others,
but with her, I always break down and I just can't stand the sight of her.
This is really hatred and bitterness.
I just don't like her at all.
And indeed just as you say today in the sermon, it speaks so relevantly to me,
LOVE MY NEIGHBOURS AS MYSELF.
Oh God! your word really come in timely. But I really find it hard to love her.

Why? Firstly, I find her a nuisance.. Like she always come, and take all the attention.
Secondly, I find that she's very proud. Not in the obvious way,
but everytime she's around she just seems to be "advertising" her successes.
I really don't like it. Maybe it had got to do with the fact that Im jealous?
But seriously I don't good with her around at all. I mean like,
I learn things like leaders should build others up instead of themself,
why I dun really feel like she is applying this in her entire like 3 years in the church?
I always feel uncomfortable and threaten with her.
There are many other leaders, which although when they share about their successes,
I feel happy for them, and somehow I learn from them also.
But why like only her, or people similar to the way she do it, I just don't like it?
I just feel so irritated and pressurized by it. Cause its like getting people to admire her,
getting people to feel that she's like WOW, so good in it wor.
THEN?

And I dun really feel like if she have the capacity to be who she is right now.
Seriously I am still hanging on to that thought that lennon make the wrong choice.
But God forgive me! I know if this is not meant to be, you won't allow it to happen.
But just loses trust. I just can't seems to trust that she is a good leader.
I can't seems to see what she can really do anyway.

My goodness.. Just sharing all these out I feel so so sinful.
Like if Im badmouthing her. God I really dun want to say all these!
But just to her, I just have a lot to say. I dun no why she's still like standing there.
I just hate the fact that she is even asked to go to dubai.
Why am I not rejoicing when people are willing to go for mission trips?
Or even to plant church in the future?
Why am I not excited and pleased that your kingdom is going to be expanded further?
I just take it very personal, if it is other people, I will rejoice.
But because she is going to be part of it, I became unhappy about it.

This is very wrong of me you know God, and I know very well.
This is so wrong of me, because my focus is on something so narrow,
not on something that is so mighty and wide, which is of your perspective.
I should focus on building everything in benefit to your great commission,
instead of holding on to my personal grudges and feelings against the individuals.
Oh God, forgive my narrow heart! I got to repent very hard for these feelings!

But God, she really put people down..
I don't know why so many people so they are encouraged always by her,
when ever I heard people complimenting her, I feel like so "what de".
I just don't think she is worthy of all that.
I just feel like everything she do is like if a show.
I just don't like her.
Is it because she's very different from me?
Perhaps so. The way she do things I just hate it.
And all the more I hate the fact that she's trying to take control.
More likely is because, she's trying to take control over me.

Wow Wow, she has a lot of influence in SP indeed.
alot of people just crowd around her, and like her, and what ever.
I hate myself for this then.
Why people affirm and encourage her but not me?
I hate her for that. Like why is she receiving all these, while I am not?
I did so much but why? NOthing came to Me?
Haiz... I know Lord, this is a childish comment. Please bear with me.
I am just so dependent on people's comments and affirmation about me.
I am just so focusing on the recognition of people on me, instead of yours on me.

GOd will you forgive me for having such a sinful mentality in me?
Will you be patient with me to overcome this?
Will you provide for everything I need to learn to love her?
Will you help me to erase bitterness and hatred in me?
Please God... I dunno how am I going to overcome this thing in my heart.
It is just so negative.
I just don't like it.
I hate myself for hating her. seriously.




I got to lose it. I got to let go. and then let YOU.
help me Lord, stop focusing on what's that is tangible, but on you, my intangible God.
Help me Lord, to release my grip. To lose my life.